my weekend in four hundred & thirty words or less

Friday

• Woke up early and after checking the Internet decided to go see the movie “Doom” which was playing at 10:30AM in Olathe, Kansas. Drove clear out there only to find that the fuckin theater was fuckin closed. The stinkin Internet lied! Until that moment I actually believed everything I read on the Internet. How could I be so goddamned naive?

• Oh and I forgot to add that I actually came close to dying during the drive out there. I’m tooling along doing the speed limit wondering to myself as I always do, “what are all these muthafuckers doing out at this time of the morning? Don’t any of these bitches have jobs”? Only to see a twelve foot ladder appear in the highway in front of me? I swerved around it narrowly missing all the traffic, and as I looked in my rearview mirror I could see this slack jawed asshole running into traffic to grab it. Never did see if he made it or not.

• After all that I figured I needed a cold refreshing ice coffee from the Broadway Café. So I get my ice coffee and after grabbing a table in the back I sat there thinking as I always do, “why do some gay chicks make themselves look so hard whilst some gay men do the exact opposite?”

• Later that evening I went to the Hurricane to see what was happening. I walk in and the bar is full of people. And as I’m sitting there enjoying my ice coffee this black chick at the bar asked if she could come over and punch me as hard as she could. Now a request like this can be a chancy thing since I could see that the big bitch had been drinking. And also I wasn't sure if this as some new type of hipster pickup line.

So after thinking it over I asked her had she actually hit anyone today. She replied that earlier in the day she had hit some cat in the mouth so hard that he bled. I then informed her that she had filled her quota for the day and that it would be unwise for her to exceed her limits. Never did figure out what the fuck that was all about.

• I then got to talking to Gooch the manager/father of “National Fire Theory”. After a few Beams & Cokes, a couple of Yeager shots, what seemed like half a dozen shots of Chivas Regal supplied by Gooch, I felt the need to leave?

Saturday

• Didn’t do shit, that whole day was kind of fuzzy.

Sunday

• I finished caulking my windows, then I didn’t do shit.



"and the monkey flipped the switch"