small brush shouldn't fuck with big timber

Death's Door, the view from the Spanish announcers table: sweatin the small stuff

Thursday, November 3

sweatin the small stuff

From the “when the fuck did hell freeze over and a rapper make sense” department………..

comes the story of Rapper 50 Cent lashing out at fellow hip-hop star Kanye West for accusing US President George Bush of racism in the wake of Hurricane Katrina. You all remember when Kanye West said that George Bush doesn’t care about black people don’t you?

Well in a rare stroke of coherent intelligence 50 Cent believes human intervention could not have prevented the effects of the hurricane, which killed over a thousand people in the US Gulf States in August of this year and sees no point in reprimanding the President for something which was beyond his control.

Ole half a dollar went on to say that he thinks people responded in the best way they could. And he didn’t have any idea on what was up with Kanye West and was quoted as saying;
“it perplexes me to no end as to what possible result Mr. West would achieve lashing out at our country’s fine leadership like that. Why the social economic backlash alone did sufficient enough damage to this fine nation without Mr. West falsely accusing the President of such an gross injustice”

My many inside sources who were present at the interview said that when 50 Cents realized he was being taped live, he suddenly got all thug-life and shit saying;
“yo, my new joint drops in a month, yo check this”. “I'll take you to the candy shop; I'll let you lick the lollipop. Go ahead girl, don't you stop. Keep going til you hit the spot, whoa”

From the “even though you may spread the word of god and be a man of the cloth he can still hate you” department, in conjunction with the ever popular “you know when god hates you” department ……..

comes a story of a pastor performing a baptism who was electrocuted inside his church the other Sunday morning. My many inside sources tell me that the pastor was preparing to perform a baptism and after adjusting a nearby microphone was hit by a surge of electricity and knocked the fuck out. They went on to say that the pastor happened to be standing in at least three feet of water inside the big tub thingy that folks get baptized in.

Apparently pastors at this church routinely use microphones during baptisms so that they can be heard out in the church. But luckily for the rest of em this cat happened to be the only one that pissed god off. The many inside sources tell me that about eight hundred people were in attendance at the church that morning and most were witness to what happened.

At a remembrance attended by about one thousand people this past Sunday night at the church Church, the congregation was told that we don’t know how, when, why, where or what’s going to happen, but we will continue as a church in the community because that is what the pastor would have wanted, and that they would move forward as a church. But from now on you muthafucker’s will have to shut the fuck up during baptism cause we won’t be using the fuckin microphones anymore.

And last but not least from the “if it worked on Al Green it’ll work for me” department………..

comes a story… know, before I relate this story I need to mention that I was talking to some of my many inside sources last night and the movie “Fatal Attraction” came up in conversation. One of the younger many inside sources happened to mention that he didn’t think the movie “Fatal Attraction” was all that, and didn’t see the big deal about it.

See, that’s how shit gets fuckin started. I remember after that movie came out back in the day, birth rates around the country just dropped off the goddamned scale. Glenn Close’s character scared muthafucker’s so bad that nobody was fuckin for at least a year after that. And you remember that fucked up frizzy hair she had? Every crazy bitch with a bulging forehead vein went out and got their hair done like that.

I remember being at this party a few months after the movie came out. I’m talking old school decadence up in here, booze, strippers, hot tub, back room goings on and all that good shit. And the front door kicked open and this chick walked in all hardbody, big tits, and short black dress. But every cat in the room averted their eyes, and you know why? She had that Glenn Close haircut and the big throbbing forehead vein.

The woman just looked like she couldn’t wait to fuck you like you owed her money and make you a tasty breakfast of boiled bunny rabbit in the morning and shit. And the poor bastard that did fuck her? He was spotted a few years later married to the crazy bitch and sporting the high water pants and looking like all the life had been sucked out of him.

Anyway back to the story, this couple dated for over a year before shit got all DEFCON 2 and they broke the romance off just before Christmas. The cat quickly found a new main squeeze but his old flame never gave up and kept calling him and calling him until he caved in and started dating her again over a year later. So he’s over the chick’s house one night getting his swerve on when like most men he fell asleep afterwards.

He woke up some time later to a strong burning sensation in the general area of his ball sac and found red and blue nail polish poured in his hair. What happened was that his “girlfriend” had taken superglue and glued his cock to his fuckin stomach. Did you just hear what the fuck I just said, the crazy bitch superglued the cat’s cock to his stomach.

And on top of that heinous shit she hid his car keys and clothes and told his stupid falling asleep ass to get to steppin. And get this, she told him that she’s been planning the cock-gluing since he first broke up with her. After getting his buck assed nekked dick glued to his stomach ass kicked out of the house, he shuffled all stooped over a mile to a local convenience story where he called the cops who took him to a hospital.

The chick was arrested some time later and pleaded guilty to misdemeanor assault and served six months' probation. The man filed a civil suit a short time later, alleging battery, assault, and intentional infliction of emotional distress. He wants at least thirty-thousand in damages for each of the three counts. Opening arguments are expected today. It’s like my pal Paul Harvey always said. “bitches be getting all hard and shit, plus they never forget a muthafuckin thing. Word”.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"


Blogger Nightmare said...

Rap, Religion, and covered them all. And I do remember that fucked up movie, and you are spot on! All of the psychos were easy to spot after that, nowadays they hide a lot better!

7:52 AM  
Blogger Bella said...

I knew all along 50 cent went to Harvard.

I saw Fatal Attraction once and never saw it again. Ever since then, I have had a massive fear towards anyone who resembles Glenn Close......

11:38 AM  
Anonymous RD said...

Great shit Death. I can't believe you ain't featured on or somethin' like that. You kick the ever loving shit out of the rest of those weak ass commentors. I don't dare start my day without a dash of your spice of life.

7:37 AM  

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