small brush shouldn't fuck with big timber

Death's Door, the view from the Spanish announcers table: sweatin the small stuff

Friday, November 11

sweatin the small stuff


From the “what makes my brown balls blue” department…………

comes a story of where scientists have discovered fossils of the world's oldest genitals belonging to 400 million-year-old insects in ancient rocks in Scotland”. "The discovery of the world's oldest genitals proves that little has changed over the last 400 million years”.

Ok, this is killing me here, what kind of freak giant muthafuckin bug do you have to be that your ass leaves a dick-print in stone, and more important? What kind of muthafucker finds this shit and goes, “hey guys, look here. When you hold this fossilized piece of quartz up to the light like this, it looks like the fuckin bug has a cock doesn’t it”?
“Jesus Ralph, my kids cock ain’t that fuckin big! Hey Sue, come over her and take a look? Didn’t you fuck this guy back in collage”?

Yeah, when it comes time to speak up in class and tell what your parents do to support your stupid ass, little Timmy must be so fuckin proud.

“What! Speak up Timmy, the class can’t hear you”. “My, my, my daddies an arachnid-cockologist, he studies the cocks of certain insects”.





And from the “ooh! I got a special e-mail” department…………

comes a true tale that I want to share with you all concerning one of these Nigerian scam e-mails that showed up in my box. I put in order with the first mail, my reply, and a surprise answer. It’s kind’a long but the ending is worth it.

Subject: Urgent Help Needed.

Dear Confidant,

Suddenly you got this mail and may be wondering who must have mailed. I am Rev. Pastor Samuel Francis, the Principal Pastor In charge of Redemption Camp and Grace Mission Abidjan Cote D'Ivoire.

We have in our camp two war displaced children of the Late William Keita a famous cocoa merchant who was killed at Bouaké along with the wife by the rebelling factions that are still at the moment in Control of the northern zone of the Country. The two Children were lucky to have escaped the war torn zone and are today in our Mission's house in Abidjan the economic capital of the country were they are seeking refuge.

We have in our possession two documents presented by them attesting that their late father deposited a metallic box containingUS$10,000,000:00(Ten Million United State Dollars) with a Security Company here in Abidjan which he declared to the Security Company to be photographic Materials meant for his un-named Foreign Partner for the purchase of Agro-Industrial Equipments. We have in our capacity verified this claim and the Security Company attested to its authenticity.


These children are now seeking for a foreigner who can be their “Guardian” and also represent them as their Father's Foreign Partner by assisting in the withdrawal of the box and also providing a Foreign Account where this fund could be lodged for onward investment as would be advised by you.

Your assistance to these hapless children would be in no small measure a blessing to you which you will never regret at the end of this transaction, as you must have succeeded in saving their future that is being threatened by the mal-adventures in the political environment of the country.

You can reply to this call for assistance if God touches you through the Mission's email box.
Remain Blessed.

Rev. Pastor Samuel Francis



............my answer.......



Dear Pastor Samuel Francis

Being a student of Satan "hail Satan" I don't usually commune with your ilk, but being the lover of small children that I am, I feel the urge to help. And since my unholy lord "hail Satan" loves the little wee bitches also, "hail Satan" my brood and I will do what we can. But in return for his help "hail Satan" my dark master "hail Satan" will require both the children's souls. My master "hail Satan" eagerly awaits your reply.

Much love and all that good shit.
Death
Hail Satan


….check this shit, I actually received an answer from the muthafucker

Greg Beck,

Am sorry, you are not the best for this transaction, I as A Man of God cannot handle the soul of this children to you and your master Satan okay, we are sorry to have came to you. I will let these day to bear me witness that you heard about the One and only God who can save. Do not think that He(God) can not forgive you, He will if you come back to him God LOVES you okay. May the Good Lord have mercy on your soul today and bring you back to His Kingdom Life.

Bye Bye, while we wait for your trip back to the God that made you.

From today I will always pray for your change.

Yours Brother in the LORD GOD.

Pastor Samuel Francis




"and the monkey flipped the switch"

3 Comments:

Blogger satyavati said...

LMAO... singlehandedly bringing the Nigerian email scam rings to a halt!
Only you!

8:23 AM  
Blogger Ole Blue The Heretic said...

That shit is funny as hell. I always send them the phone number to the FBI.

;-)

11:57 AM  
Blogger Bella said...

I don't beleive it. No fucking way! You actually received a response form them?????? I gotta try this shit. Funny!

So, bugs had cocks.....interesting.

1:30 PM  

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