small brush shouldn't fuck with big timber

Death's Door, the view from the Spanish announcers table: sweatin the small stuff

Friday, November 18

sweatin the small stuff



From the “who gives a fuck, no really, I’m serious, who gives a fuck” department…….

comes a story straight out of the pot capital of the world, Amsterdam, where the Dutch animal protection agency or DAPA demanded prosecution Tuesday for the shooting of a sparrow. The common house sparrow which just happened to be one of a species on the national endangered list was chased into a corner and shot by an exterminator with an air rifle. Ok, a quick aside here, if your ass is on somebody’s endangered species list, wouldn’t you want to be called something other then common? How about the rare house sparrow or the elite house sparrow or even the very special house sparrow? Anything but common don’t you think?

Anyway….according to my many inside sources, some of who have spent some serious stupid time in Amsterdam said that under Dutch law, you need a permit to kill this kind of bird, and a permit can only be granted when there's a danger to public health or a crop. The uptight folks at DAPA are pissed because they’re saying this wasn’t the case and that there was no reason for the sparrow to be shot. But as my ole pal Paul Harvey always say’s “now the rest of the story”.

According to my many inside sources the stupid bird flew into an exposition center Monday in the northern city of Leeuwarden, where employees of a Dutch TV company had just finished setting up more than four million dominoes in an attempt to break the official Guinness World Record for falling dominoes. These cats along with more than a hundred people from twelve countries had worked for more than a month setting them up.

Everybody was hanging out chilling admiring their hard work and waiting for the go signal to try to break the world record when this stupid bird flew in thru an open window and started freaking out. That bird was flying around and shit and ended up knocking over almost twenty-five thousand fuckin dominoes. Goddamn, do you have any idea how much hard backbreaking work that had to be setting up four goddamn million dominoes only to have some bird fly in and start knocking em over.

I would’a shot the muthafucker too, hell it could have been the last fuckin bald eagle and I would have at least swung at it. Can you imagine all those people from twelve different nations freaking out at the same time, all screaming
“detente my fuckin ass, get that muthafucker”
in twelve different languages? If I had spent a month bending my fat ass over setting up thousands and thousands of dominoes, I would have gone all Rambo and shit and bazookaed that cocksucker right out of the fuckin air. Captured it or sedated it my ass, that muthafucker needed to die.










And lastly from the “Al Sharpton” department……………

comes a story of how a song about people picking cotton was pulled from a middle school concert in suburban Detroit after a black parent complained that it glorifies slavery. The school superintendent decided Monday to remove the song "Pick a Bale of Cotton" from the program after a black parent complained to school officials and then decided to pull his eleven-year-old daughter from singing when he was dissatisfied with their response. He told The Detroit News "It's mind-boggling that people don't understand sensitive issues like that and shit".

The teacher in charge of the program said that when the song was picked for Wednesday's folk songs concert at Anderson Middle School, there was no intent to offend anyone. "Why we used to sing that song when I was in school during the '50s," she said.
"It's like a Southern type of folk song. I remember it being perky. It was more of a song that people just sang for fun."
The daughter of the black parent, a feisty little burr headed pickaninny by the name of China was heard to say
“they were bringing back the memories of how African-Americans picked cotton, and it wasn't a good memory. It was disrespectful to African-Americans. And by the way didn’t they use to hang niggers for fun?"

Now according to my many inside sources, in all fairness a list of songs were submitted to the black parents to see if any more were derogatory to blacks. After a heated debate the parents also turned down, “Alabama porch monkey, rock me to sleep”, “ole black Joe”, “Inky dinky do”, “Swing low, sweet chariot”, and to be on the safe side they also nixed the jazz band’s version of “Harlem Nocturne”.


"and the monkey flipped the switch"

7 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Greg, I just wanted to thank you. I needed a good laugh and you really came through for me. Thanks!
By the way, I've checked out your Wish List, and it appears evident to me that you have never been a bride. If you had been, you would have learned the importance of listing some cheap stuff like egg beaters and muffin tins and all so that those people who really would like to get you something but don't have much of a budget have a very affordable alternative. I'm only telling you this because as tempted as I have sometimes been to send you something as a little "Thanks for making me laugh / think / cringe yet again today" sort of gift, I can't afford to buy you a car or night goggles or whatever. So think about it.

7:30 AM  
Blogger Death said...

what, I have a wish list? I better go check and see what that's all about. somebody buy me a fleshlight

9:46 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was going to comment about the bird but after laughing my ass off while reading your comment's at the same time nurseing my glass of wine. Well I had to change cloths. That comment about the flesh light was the breaking point. I laughed so hard I forgot that the back of my chiar was sideways and fell backwards onto the floor spilling my drink all over my cloths. What a way to start a friday night.


I agree with you. I think they should call it the elite house sparrow and they should have a swat team named EHSST with the croc hunter in charge..... "elite house sparrow swat team"...Still I would have loved to see it all happen....Dam sparrow..LOL.Evermore

Sapphire Raven

7:04 PM  
Blogger Nightmare said...

"a feisty little burr headed pickaninny by the name of China"

Funniest fucking thing I read all wek! Oh and thanks for all of the linky goodness!

7:40 PM  
Blogger Sid said...

"Now according to my many inside sources, in all fairness a list of songs were submitted to the black parents to see if any more were derogatory to blacks. After a heated debate the parents also turned down, “Alabama porch monkey, rock me to sleep”, “ole black Joe”, “Inky dinky do”, “Swing low, sweet chariot”, and to be on the safe side they also nixed the jazz band’s version of “Harlem Nocturne”.
"

Can I be president of your fanclub? ROFLMBAO! I heart Greg shirts should be our first order of business...

12:20 AM  
Blogger Ole Blue The Heretic said...

I would have used a shotgun, at the least, on that little bastard. But I may have anger management issues.

1:47 PM  
Blogger Berry said...

On a serious note, the same thing happened at summer camp when they taught us "Mississippi mud."

11:07 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home