small brush shouldn't fuck with big timber

Death's Door, the view from the Spanish announcers table: sweatin the small stuff

Friday, November 25

sweatin the small stuff

no wonder Jennifer Love Hewitt
can't get any acting jobs anymore

From the “mile high” department………

comes a story of personal woe because it finally hit me with the clarity of a knee in the nuts that I don’t really dig flying. First off I hate packing. I never know what to fuckin pack so I pack everything I fuckin own. This time around I packed three pairs of pants, seven pairs of tidy-whities along with five shirts. All this crap for what amounted to a two-day stay. I’m worse then a chick when it come to shit like that, cause I’m always thinking about shit going south and me getting stuck somewhere without clean underwear. Either that or I suffering from SMPO. (severe mangina pookage outis) Then once I get on the fuckin plane I’m looking at a seat so small that muthafuckin starving Ethiopians with the distended bellies and shit have trouble getting into em.

Then once I pry my fat ass into the seat I can’t help but think about peeing and the horror that is the bathroom on airliners. At least I don’t have to worry about the cocksuckin turbulence once in the bathroom cause I’m wedged in so fucking tight, moving is a goddamned forgone conclusion. There’s also that crash and burn thing that fucks with me. Cause as soon as the plane takes off I’m glued to the window looking out. And please excuse the fuck out’a me, but why are the windows on planes so fuckin small and placed so far down that a muthafucker has to almost double over to look out and shit?

Goddamn, would it kill em to make the windows bigger and shit? It’s not like the fuckin plane is going into outer fuckin space and dealing with gravitational pull and crap. Anyway, I always watch takeoff cause I’m thinking, ok, we’re this high, so if the muthafucker falls it might not be so bad. Damn, we’re this high; I might be able to crawl away from this one. Fuck it, this is too high, I’m deader then shit if this muthafucker falls out’a the fuckin sky.

But you know what really fucks with me? It’s that thing planes do as they bank to make a turn; cause it feels like the cocksucker has stopped all forward motion and is sliding backwards. It always reminds me of when I’m in a movie theater and they dim the lights. “Oh my god, everything’s getting dimmer and dimmer. Am I fuckin dying”? No……’s just muthafucker’s turning down the lights. You know? Just one of those odd feelings I don’t really dig.

Now from the “shit so stupid we can’t think of what department to put it into too” department………

comes a story of a poor dumb stupid ignorant kinky bastard who set up a meeting with this chick he’d met in a rough sex chat room? Apparently our poster boy for the stupid had set it up with this chick that was into rape fantasies to have a personal one on one meet & greet. But with all things being as they are and Murphy’s Law just waiting to fuck things up, Mr. El-Dumbass drove up to the house and climbed thru the bedroom window to have his sexual tryst with the chat room chick.

Once in, Mr. Smooth proceeded to act out his rape fantasy part but was surprised when the chick started kicking his nuts clear to his asshole. “Goddammit Sue, stop kicking me in the balls!! I thought this was what we agreed to in the chat room”!! “Muthafucker my name ain’t Sue and I don’t even own a fuckin computer”!!!

Ooops, looks like ole Johnny Appleseed climbed into the wrong window. It goes without saying that El-Guapo will be doing a little jail time over that little boo boo. And let this be a lesson for all you kids out there. When you meet a chick over the Internet who tells you that yes, I want you to rip all my clothes off and have rough unprotected sex with me. And you climb thru the window with pantyhose over your head and your cock in your hand? Please make goddamn sure you wrote down the right address.

And last but not least from the “Lassie…Lassie…”department……..

comes a story that touched even my jaded heart. This muthafucker up in Toronto turned himself in to the first cop he could because Sparks the dog told him too. According to my many inside sources, this unlit bulb muthafucker was riding around getting ready to kill as many people as he could. In his car was a 12-gauge shotgun, a bolt action rifle with a telescopic lens, a 9-mm semiautomatic, a machete, throwing knifes, camouflage ski mask, black leather gloves, and 6,296 fuckin rounds of ammunition.

Damn, I guess after he ran out of bullets and shit he planned on Davy Crocketing muthafucker’s to death. But as he was sitting next to his car in a park loading up and wondering who to kill first, this stray dog came by and started playing with the crazed cocksucker. Who was a huge dog lover and figured out that if such a nice doggy lived in the area, then the people who lived there were too nice to kill and shit? So the bug-tit crazy bastard turned himself in to the first cop he could find. My many inside sources tell me the cops gave the dog a bone as an award.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"


Blogger Berry said...

Where on earth do you find these pics that go with your posts (that IS a rhetorical quesion) *LOL* Notice that the Simpson family is standing next to a Christmas tree. Hmmmmmm.

10:58 PM  

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