small brush shouldn't fuck with big timber

Death's Door, the view from the Spanish announcers table: sweatin the small stuff

Friday, December 2

sweatin the small stuff

From the “hey muthafucker, can you hear me now” department ………….

comes a story of tables being turned and past wrongs getting righted. It seems in the Russian village of Lazo, local people were shocked as they came upon a scene of carnage straight out of Hollywood. According to my many inside sources the villagers were reportedly too late to stop the brutal assault by a pack of wild black squirrels in which they not only attacked but killed and ate a stray dog in a feast of blood which lasted about a minute. And yes you heard me right; the fuckin squirrels are fighting back.

They are said to have scampered off at the sight of humans, some carrying pieces of flesh in their bloody mouths. Although scientists are skeptical they believe a pine cone shortage may have led the squirrels to desperation thus seeking other food sources. According to my many inside sources a rather large stray dog was nosing about the trees and barking at squirrels hiding in branches overhead when a number of them suddenly descended and attacked.

As one shaken local described it, “after a few minutes of putting up with the shittin dog barking like a freak the fuckin squirrels came out of the trees and swarmed the poor dog like a pack of cute furry piranhas, literally gutting the dog”. "When they saw us running toward em, they scattered in different directions, taking pieces of the dead dog with them." It must also be noted that in the same region there have been reports of crazed chipmunks terrorizing and raping local cats. As another local villager put it, “the forest has been void of pinecones this year, and nobody goes into the forest alone anymore”.

From the “what would you do for a Klondike bar” department………..

comes a story of greed, stupidity, and a serious lack of understanding in which a former fingernail designer deliberately put his hands under a passing train, cutting off a thumb and two fingers, just to collect on an insurance policy. The stupid fey bastard told police he was riding his bicycle when he lost control and rolled down an embankment.

He said he just happened to roll onto the tracks just as a train was passing by, losing a thumb on one hand and an index finger and a pinky on the other.
According to my many inside sources, that had to be one fey rolling muthafucker. Since from the top of the embankment to the tracks had to be at least a hundred feet. Cops and insurance investigators became really suspicious after discovering the man had taken out over one million dollars insurance on himself just a few months earlier. Plus ole jazz fingers had accumulated about $175,000 in debts at the time he lost his fingers.

The stupid bastard’s attorney said it was ludicrous that his client would intentionally throw himself on the tracks just to cut his fingers off to get insurance money when he could have used a power saw to cut off his fingers rather than risk death by faking a train accident. Whatever, if convicted, he faces up to 10 years in the pen.

And lastly from the “ah, anal sex just doesn’t do it for any more” department

Kids are suing the school system cause their parent’s are raising em to be spoiled cocksocket little bitch’s. Oh, is this new to you muthafucker’s? There’s cases all over the country where for whatever reason kids have been cut from athletic squads or failed tests and the parents have sued because it takes the little fistfucker’s out of the college fast track. Whatever happened to cowboy’n up and digging in and making the extra effort?

Now the kids labeled a punkass forever cause his parent’s sued to get his ass back on the varsity squad after he’d been cut for getting drunk at a frat party or missing a few practices. It gots to be a bitch being a kid these days, I mean with all the peer pressure and going on, do you be a jock or a freak or do you just drop out all together? Your parent’s are either trying to emasculate you or push you to the fuckin moon. Cause I ain’t meet a parent yet that wants their kids to be like them.

It no fuckin wonder you and your fuckin friends end up in the backyard trying to sniff the gas out of the central air unit to get high. Or at least that’s the new craze I’m hearing about. Hey!! It’s called FREON you stinkin little pukes, fuckin Christ on a stick! If you want to kill yourselves don’t make it a burden on your shittin parents. Brain dead teen spirit ain’t cool, just sitting there on the couch in your underwear drooling and pissing all over yourself. Fuck. Why not lay your head under the rear wheels of the Lexus or BMW and do it that way? Shit, whatever happened to plain old smoking weed and drinking mom’s vodka?
“I hate school, I hate my parent’s, and my parent’s hate me. I hate my friends, what? I got no fuckin friends. The coach hates me, Brittany Spears hates me, Scott Stapp hates me. Even my dog hates me. Hey! What’s that noise? Hmmmm, there’s some kind of gas escaping from the air conditioner. I think I’ll snuff it”. “What a fuckin brain burn, I gots to tell the gang about this”.
Stupid little dreck.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"


Blogger Ole Blue The Heretic said...

Nature kicking ass in a weird way, I love it!

I had a lot of those young punks in my platoon when in the army, can you say frag their ass in the latrine, fucking whiners.

12:34 PM  

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