small brush shouldn't fuck with big timber

Death's Door, the view from the Spanish announcers table: sweatin the small stuff

Thursday, December 8

sweatin the small stuff

From the “ole gray mule ain’t what he used to be” department………….

comes the current president of Iran who’s here to tell all his thoughts on a few things. He first stated that he wanted Israel wiped off the face of the Earth; he then changed his mind and now wants Israel relocated to Europe. Then following in the years long tradition of certain Iranian rulers before him, he then waved to us from the back of the crazy train he was on and informed all that he really doubts that the Holocaust really happened, it was just something the Jews and Israelis made up for shit and grins. My many inside sources quote him as saying.

“Some European countries insist on saying that Hitler killed millions of innocent Jews in furnaces and they insist on it to the extent that if anyone proves something contrary to that they condemn that person and throw them in jail. Although we don't accept this claim, if we suppose it is true, our question for the Europeans is this, is the killing of innocent Jewish people by Hitler the reason for their support to the occupiers of Jerusalem. And farther more if the Europeans are honest they should give some of their provinces in Europe like in Germany, Austria or other countries to the Zionists and the Zionists can establish their state in Europe. You offer part of Europe and we will support it."

A White House spokesman after listening to this mind numbing line of bullshit was heard to say. "Ok, crap like this from the Iranian President just further underscores our nations concerns about the state of shit in Iran and its all the more reason why it's so important that the crazy muthafucker not have the ability to develop nuclear weapons." My many inside sources are quick to remind me that back in the day Israel and Iran were close allies when Iran was ruled by the U.S.-backed Shah. But since Iran's 1979 Islamic revolution Iran and Israel have become ruthless enemies. Of course the whole story goes a lot deeper then what I’ve related, but yeah, that crazy train just keeps on a rollin.

Now coming from the “I’m so fuckin confused” department………

comes a story that if for nothing else, be careful of what you read when your stupid ass is high on drugs. Take in point the young man who after reading a chemistry textbook whilst fucked up on meth tried to extract methamphetamine from his own urine. And yes boys and girls, you heard me right, ole rocket scientist here read somewhere that he could recapture and recycle all the meth he smoked from his own pee. But the kid’s experiment went dangerously awry when he spilled some solvent on himself, then after lighting a cigarette to calm his nerves while he contemplated his next move, starting a fire that burned his right hand and arm. The hotel he was in had to be evacuated. Firefighters were summoned to put the dumb bastard out. So were hazardous materials experts to deal with the chemicals he was using.

"Who the fuck knew that you can get methamphetamine from urine?" asked an incredulous chief deputy district attorney, “How many kinds of crazy muthafucker do you have to be to do shit like this? I’m no fuckin Einstein I mean, and the shit this guy used would work, but it would take bottles and bottles of urine, not just pissing into a bucket." Uh, make that gallons of urine, said the man’s attorney, who described his client's attempt to reclaim excreted methamphetamine from his urine as a "really, really silly" move. The man, a twenty-two year-old employee of a San Francisco recycling depot no less, was sentenced Friday to five months in prison with credit for time served and three years' probation.

And lastly and on a lighter note from the “you’re only gay if you’re on the bottom” department………….

comes a light tale of nervous brides and grooms, of what was to be a small wedding with a few close friends that has now ballooned to John Holmeish proportions. Yes it seems that Elton John's marriage ceremony to partner David Furnish might not be the low-key ceremony the couple was hoping for. John and David plan to hold the ceremony on Dec. 21 at the same place where Prince Charles married Camilla Parker-Bowles: the Giuldhall in Windsor, west of London.

Local leaders say they're working with police to manage the crowds that are expected to show up. My many inside sources tell me that Dec. 21 is the when a new British law becomes in effect. Passed last year despite some opposition from Parliament's unelected House of Lords, it permits civil ceremonies that will give same-sex couples the same social security, tax, pension and inheritance rights as married couples.

You know it doesn’t take a member of Mensa to figure out that Sir Elton John is gayer then a prison full of sissy boys. At least that didn’t sneak up on me like Berry Manilow or Boy George or Michael Stipe. Did you guy’s know Boy George was gay? Wow, I swear I never saw that one coming. But I guess it doesn’t really matter, cause I’ve always dug his music as well as Elton’s. But to an old rocker like me it’s just a little disheartening when some of your music idols from back in the day decide in their later years to come out of the closet. It just changes the meaning of song lyrics like a muthafucker. You switch “her” with “him”, and you just go damn, what the fuck’s up with that? But I’m not hatin on anyone, I’m just glad I won’t be the one looking at that old ass in the morning.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"


Blogger Circa Bellum said...

Yeah, well I've always appreciated gay men. Not only are they not competing with me for women, but bless their hearts, they're taking another guy out with them.

Now lesbians, that's another story...

5:18 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

u're 'bout 4 miles past blind if u didnt see the boy george - rainbow flag connection......
-- so chimes in the sister

8:43 PM  
Anonymous Jaine Blaize said...

* look of shock *

Barry Manilow is gay??


10:19 PM  
Blogger Chronic The Hedgehog said...

I still think the top is just as gay if not gayer... he's the one maintaining an errection with his johnson in another man's pooper. THAT's gay.

1:29 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home