small brush shouldn't fuck with big timber

Death's Door, the view from the Spanish announcers table: blast from the past...........alpha pussy

Monday, January 16

blast from the past...........alpha pussy



Pimping ain’t easy.

Got to talking about how it is living with two women in the same house when their monthly cycles get all synched up and shit. Its just bad juju anyway you look at it. Then you got that dominate cycle thing going on or what is known as the alpha pussy. The chick with the dominate cycle or the alpha pussy turns into the head bitch in charge and as far as she’s concerned everyone else in the house are her minion’s to use as she pleases. So once a month all the female cycles break into this weird lockstep and the cat’s start clawing the sheets and shit while the fuckin dog and me stay barricaded in my bedroom hoping they forget we’re here.

Pimping ain’t easy.

Then you got Valentine’s Day coming up, and it’s always a fucking crapshoot. Let’s say there’s some chick you dig, do you get her something or not? Will she be cool with it or burn your stinkin house down? If you buy her something too pricey will she consider you a stalking freak? If you low-ball it are you now a cheap bastard? And if you try to circumnavigate all the above shit, then you’re just a cockless bastard? If you buy her roses, it’s “you don’t know me that well”, and that’s only after you become pissy pants confused over the various colors they come in. Oh, and if you do go that route please de-thorn the muthafucker’s, because if you don’t and the fuckin jewel of your eye gets pricked in her goddamned thumb, you’ll be licking ass for months. Cause you know women never forget shit like that, c’mon, we’re taking about chicks that can remember not only what your ass ate on your first date, but the color of the fucking socks on your stinking ass feet.

Pimping ain’t easy, as the choir breaks into a rousing rendition of swing low sweet chariot.

Women are the most confusing animals in the jungle, well, next to cats. But you get my fucking drift. Women will spend hour’s getting their shit together before they go out so as to look good. But when you see one and she catches you giving her the round eye its “hey fuckhole, what you looking at”? Or god forbid you make eye contact with the wrong one and she’s out chumming the water’s for fresh kills. The next thing you know your stupid ass wakes up wearing plaid shorts and a wife beater whilst driving a minivan, and all your old friends are busy deleting your name off the speed dial.

Pimping ain’t easy.

But what the fuck am I bitching about? We love em and always will. Like I’ve said many a time, if it weren’t for women, men would still be walking around in furry loincloths pulling sticks out of each other’s stinking asses. Cause when they walk up to you all round eyed and innocent and cock their heads to one side and in a little pouty voice asks you if their nipples are properly aligned, none of the above matters for shit.

Pimping ain’t easy.


"and the monkey flipped the switch"

3 Comments:

Blogger satyavati said...

Two things: one, I remember this post from back when, and every time I put a bra on and check for alignment, I think of you because of it;
and two, I was doing a little research and I found some stuff on old Fred that might be interesting if you have nothing else to do: it's at www.blank.org/addict/chapter1.html. You'll have to put in each chapter number since there's no links from one to the other. I was pretty horrified and amazed, and it makes me wonder how the people of Topeka and Kansas in general let this man breathe from day to day.

10:16 AM  
Blogger mrcaptious said...

It's a tough life f'in b's while making g's...

2:13 PM  
Blogger Bella said...

Hmmmm. Do chicks really act like that?

For Valentine's, if my boyfriend brought over a six pack of Pepsi, popcorn, gummi bears and a movie, I'd think he's God.

10:47 AM  

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