small brush shouldn't fuck with big timber

Death's Door, the view from the Spanish announcers table: don't do it Fred!

Thursday, January 12

don't do it Fred!

The big confirmed rumor around these parts as of late is that local hate-monger Rev. Fred Phelps and his scurvy crew of inbreds are heading up to West Virginia to protest this weekend at a memorial to the miners who died in the Sago mine. Of course I’m referring to the twelve miners who were trapped in a mine explosion earlier this month in which eleven died of carbon monoxide poisoning in what turned out to be West Virginia’s worst coal-mining accident in more than 35 years.

And as anyone around here can tell you, that muthafucker Fred Phelps and his Westboro Baptist Church have been a thorn and a giant shit stain on us here in the Midwest for years. If you’re one of the lucky few to be unfamiliar with ole Fred here’s what more or less passes as a mission statement off his church’s website.
“The Westboro Baptist Church engages in daily peaceful sidewalk demonstrations opposing the homosexual lifestyle of soul-damning, nation-destroying filth. We display large, colorful signs containing Bible words and sentiments, including: GOD HATES FAGS, FAGS HATE GOD, AIDS CURES FAGS, THANK GOD FOR AIDS, FAGS BURN IN HELL, GOD IS NOT MOCKED, FAGS ARE NATURE FREAKS, GOD GAVE FAGS UP, NO SPECIAL LAWS FOR FAGS, FAGS DOOM NATIONS, etc. Perceiving the modern militant homosexual movement to pose a clear and present danger to the survival of America, exposing our nation to the wrath of God as in 1898 B.C. at Sodom and Gomorrah, WBC has conducted over 22,000 such demonstrations since June, 1991, at homosexual parades and other events (including funerals of impenitent sodomites, like Matthew Shepard). WBC teams have picketed all over the United States, and internationally (including Canada, Jordan and Iraq). The unique picketing ministry of Westboro Baptist Church has received international attention, and WBC believes this gospel message to be this world's last hope.
I should point out that what Fred and his ilk consider to be the perceived homosexual threat has always been a point of debate with us normal folk. Fred has picketed Disney World cause they have gay customers or is it that Mickey Mouse is supposed to be gay? They have picketed amongst other things the funerals of American soldiers who have fallen in Iraq because of some conceived notion that the war effort somehow pushes the great gay agenda.

So anyway, what I’m thinking here is that it’s gonna be a good thing that Fred’s going up to protest at the miner’s memorial. Cause around these parts we just kind’a ignore Fred and his bullshit. But now he’s up in West Virginia in coal country and if I’m listening to my many inside sources correctly those people up there don’t have much fuck around in em. They just might give ole Fred and his bunch a free tour of the nearest deep closed mine if you know what I be saying and shit.

Plus you know that one relative of one of the dead miners that all the new services have been fixated on? You know, the woman who they’ve showed crying and then later really really pissed, and she’s had this huge throbbing crazy vein running down her forehead and the really swollen red eyes from crying? I think once that chick gets hold of Fred it’s all over but the dancing and the singing.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"


Blogger Nightmare said...

I too am one for watching a good old fashioned ass whipping.

10:48 AM  
Blogger satyavati said...

I'm still waiting for the day someone snaps a Kodak of good old Fred on all fours with a pony bit in his mouth and some enormous hooded man in leather with equipment the size of a Louisville Slugger getting ready to give him what he's been begging for.

And don't worry.. it'll happen. Just give it time. Anyone as fanatic as this man definitely has a few toys hidden under his bed.

11:21 AM  
Blogger Ole Blue The Heretic said...

I have been around that area on hiking and biking trips, he is in for a rude awakening.

And I would have to agree with satyavati, he has to be hiding something.

1:38 PM  
Anonymous Parrish Baker said...

i don't understand where they get the money to criss-cross the country like this.

i hope they have fun in WV, tho' . . . . lots of 'fun'.


2:20 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

just to see w/ my own eyes, the "event" it will be for the good folk of to be "hospitable" to the fredmeister and the idiots that follow him, thats good money well spent to travel just see that in person.

i know you can make a necklace out of just about anything, but a huge cardboard or wooden sign???

5:28 PM  
Blogger TBOB said...

There needs to be an organization like "Gold Star Moms" for Christians to speak out against people like this joker and Pat Robertson.

"You don't speak for me!"

8:16 PM  
Blogger Dennis Dottelander said...

As to where they get thier money: I remember seeing some news article about how all of Fred's children are partners in a law practice that ole Fred started long ago. And guess who thier biggest client is....daddy. Compared to them, ambulance chasers look like boyscouts.

1:03 AM  

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