small brush shouldn't fuck with big timber

Death's Door, the view from the Spanish announcers table: sweating the small stuff

Thursday, January 12

sweating the small stuff

From the “I said open your mouth and say ahhhh, not your legs” department……….

comes a story of a woman who tried to beat the law but the law won. The chick was driving in the carpool lane during rush hour in her home state of Arizona when a cop pulled her over. When she asked the cop why he pulled her over she was told that to drive in the carpool lane she had to have a passenger.

According to my many inside sources, sole occupant vehicles aren't allowed to use the carpool lanes during morning and evening rush hours Monday through Friday, and the idea behind all this is to lessen traffic congestion. So as the cop was writing out the ticket the silly bitch decided that now would be a good time to inform the officer that she did indeed have a passenger.

As the cop leaned back for a better look in the car thinking, “crazy bitch a talking”, she told him that she was pregnant and her unborn bastard counted as a passenger. So with that statement she contested the ticket and off to court everybody went. In only what can be called an unusual use of common sense, a Phoenix Municipal Court Judge had the case thrown out of court when he used a definition in which an individual occupies a "separate and distinct" space in a vehicle. Yeah like the other seat and not your womb.

Even after being fined $367 for improper use of a High Occupancy Vehicle lane, the chick still stands by her contention that Arizona traffic laws don't define what a person is, so the child inside her womb justified her use of the lane. To which the officer that pulled her over was heard to say, “fuck that rank bitch, if we were to follow her fucked up philosophy every goddamned officer would be required to carry guns, radios and pregnancy testers, and I don't think we want to go there."

Now from the “Billy Idol school of ancient discoveries” department………..

comes a story of a find of incredible importance in which the remains of two Iron Age men have been discovered. The remains of two men dated at well over two thousand years old were discovered in an Irish bog and after being studied have revealed a couple of surprises. One used hair gel and the other stood well over six feet which made him the tallest Iron Age body discovered to date.

Now according to my many inside sources, the taller of the two would have been considered a giant in his day and his buddy even though he was of normal stature, around the five foot mark, had done shit to himself to make himself look taller. The shorter man appeared to attempted to give himself greater stature with the hair gel by crafting a rather curious headdress which was a bit like a Mohican-style haircut with the resin which was imported from France.

The fashion-conscious gel wearer with the cool punk mohawk has been named Clonycavan Man, and the fact he was able to buy imported cosmetics like hair gel and shit suggests he was a wealthy member of Irish society about 2,300 years ago. The many inside sources did tell me that Clonycavan Man wasn’t the first choice for a name but Billyidol Man didn’t quite fly with the scientific types and the other was dubbed Oldcroghan Man instead of rowdiebodyguard man. Both men seem to have met a violent death since it seems that the two of them had been murdered.

Oldcroghan Man was stabbed through the chest and they’re guessing he saw the attack coming because there is a defensive injury on his arm. He was then decapitated and his body cut in half, whilst Clonycavan Man had his head split open with an axe before he was disemboweled. It seems that back in the day when muthafuckers got pissed off at the band they didn’t bullshit and took their killing seriously.

And lastly from the “make a wish” department……………………..

come a story of a Russian couple who narrowly escaped death when their upstairs neighbor dropped in for an unexpected visit. According to my many inside sources, ole Sweatlania, I’m sorry I meant to say Svetlana, had been relaxing in the bath blowing bubbles out of her fat Russian ass when the floor gave way, dropping her and the bath tub into the apartment below.

She said: "I had just dozed off and then I heard this huge crash and realized what had happened. The bathroom floor just collapsed under the bath and I came crashing through the ceiling of the people below me. She went on to say that they seemed as shocked as I was when they saw me lying there naked in the bath in the middle of their living room. Yeah, imagine that fuckin scene.

You and your girl are kicking back on the couch after a hearty meal of boiled potatoes and black market steak knocking back a few cold vodkas and watching MTV when crashing thru the ceiling comes the old fat bewhiskered chick from upstairs. You don’t know what’s more horrifying, the fact that you have a huge hole in your ceiling and a bathtub in your living room or all that fat wet pale ass sprawled out in front of you. According to my many inside sources, Local council engineers said the floors in the old apartment block in Solnechnaya in the Surgut district of Russia where Svetlana lived were supported by wood which had rotted over the years.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"


Blogger SmedRock said...

MMMMM, 'bewhiskered' Russian woman. Makes me horney...

11:17 PM  
Blogger mrcaptious said...

Wow, if they would have kept that woman's case going, the supreme court could have maybe used it as a test case to overturn Roe V. Wade.

"Well John, if we consider the child in the womb another passanger in the car, then that would mean that to abort that passenger would be murder."

"Damn right. Overturn that bitches ticket and lets go shut down some abortion clinics!"

6:22 PM  

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