sweatin the small stuff

From the “no more Stolichnaya for me” department………

comes a story of how everyone in Moscow feverishly getting ready for the great Russian military holiday, “THE DEFENDER OF THE MOTHERLAND DAY”, got their asses duped. See, all across Moscow preparations were being made for THE DEFENDER OF THE MOTHERLAND DAY celebrations which is celebrated annually on Feb. 23, seen by many as Men's Day in Russia. This is always a big time deal with Moscow’s streets getting all decorated with flags and posters and other such shit.

Now according to my many inside sources, the Russian Defense Ministry this year spent millions of rubles in an effort to fix up it’s fucked up image that has been damaged from numerous hazing scandals, desertions and the seemingly never-ending military shit going on in Chechnya. So it goes without saying that muthafuckers wanted shit to look good and go off without a hitch. Part of the effort to shiny things up were dozens of giant posters plastered all across the city whose theme was “congrats to the Russian Soldiers”.

Now here’s the deal, on the eve of “THE DEFENDER OF THE MOTHERLAND DAY”, muthafuckers were walking around and shit admiring all the posters and decorations when some cat from a local newspaper said. “Uh guys, what’s up with the big battleship in all the posters”? Everybody looked up and that’s when they noticed that in all the posters depicting Russian military pride, instead of a Russian battleship slicing thru the sea there sat the American warship the USS Missouri.

The USS Missouri title was so clearly depicted in the posters that it could not have been mistaken for any other warship. As a matter of fact the fuckin error was so obvious that Defense Ministry press officers quickly disowned responsibility for the posters. They were overheard to say that the Defense Ministry has nothing to do with preparation of the posters, that civilians created the posters and that they were clearly drunk incompetent fuckups. The head of the Moscow City Advertisers Committee came back with, “look here, they wanted a poster with a fancy battleship, they got their fancy battleship so what’s all the bitching for”? The posters were removed.











From the “another sure sign that god hates your stupid ass” department……

comes a tale of a man who simply had a bad fuckin day. This muthafucker was over a friend’s house drinking and shit when like most drunks, he became depressed. He started bitching about the state of his health and the money problems he was going thru and all that. He kept this up until he hit his peak and off into the kitchen he went screaming where he commenced to stabbing himself in the fuckin stomach and chest with a kitchen knife.

The friend freaked out cause here was this muthafucker stabbing himself and bleeding all over his shit, so he called the cops. As soon as he called the cops, ole stabbie boy ran home and got himself into an argument with his wife about going to Vegas. She freaked out running into the front yard where she waited until the cops came. The cops show up and after going into the home, find this crazy muthafucker standing by a back bedroom with a knife in his hand. They tell the muthafucker to drop the knife and when he refused one of the cop’s tasered his stupid drunk ass.

So the cop fires off a the two-pronged fifty-thousand volt taser at the cat’s chest and what happened next just fucked everyone up. According to my many inside sources, the taser pierced the cat’s shirt striking a butane lighter in the shirt pocket which blew the fuck up setting the fucker’s shirt on fire. The cops grabbed ole burning man and after throwing him to the ground got the fire put out and got his ass to the hospital where he is recovering from minor burns and self-inflected stab wounds to the chest and stomach. And of course the muthafucker doesn’t remember a thing.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"