small brush shouldn't fuck with big timber

Death's Door, the view from the Spanish announcers table: stay off the grass

Tuesday, March 21

stay off the grass


The story about the man shooting the fifteen year-old kid to death because he walked across his yard is all over the internet and news. It’s a really tragic story and it shows just how bad some people are about their shit. But really, what homeowner hasn’t wanted to shoot muthafuckin kids walking across their yards? Shit, when I was a homeowner I actually learned some Spanish cuss words so I could communicate my feelings better and more clearly toward kids walking across my yard.

And who hasn’t had the childhood feud with the kids next door over neighboring land rights and shit like that? Like when the old man slapped you out from in front of the TV and told you to get your lazy ass outside and rake the yard. And once outside your little stinkin ass is staring at all the fuckin leaves realizing that at least half must’a come from the big tree next door. So what does a kid do, you start shoveling leaves from your yard into the yard next door until you hear the slam of a screen door and boiling out from the house next door come all the little crumb snatchers who live there.

These bastards start a skirmish line and start raking leaves back into your yard whilst at the same time calling you all kinds of cocksucker’s and shit. It’s all semi-good natured name calling until one of the kids brings your mother into it by calling her a ho. The next thing you know, you’re locked in mortal combat fighting for your life with the kids next door over whose leaves belong to who and whose mom’s a ho.

You’re whacking kids left and right and they’re giving as good as they get and there’s back drops and neck breakers and inverted power slams and the dogs are into it then bam! One of the parents comes out on the front porch screaming for everyone to stop fuckin around and get back to raking leaves. Which of course works for maybe fifteen minutes until somebody’s mother is brought up again.


"and the monkey flipped the switch"

5 Comments:

Blogger Blah Blah Blah said...

OK...at least you gave a clear warning before I started reading....so now I understand!

I have just gotten a feeling of fuckedupness....lol

I like your blog.
*but I hate your word verifier...this is my second try...blah! make that my third!

2:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Little Old Man Said

A little old man walks out on to the front porch wearing nothing but boxers with hearts. "Get off the lawn! Your chrushing my grass. Get off the lawn!' A few minutes pass by "Why are you people still standing thier. Your all just standing thier laughing at me. Maybe if I get a hearing aid you will hear me. Get Of The Lawn!" As he turn around to walk back into the house he rasies the back of his boxers and it reads. Welcome to earth third rock from the sun.

5:31 PM  
Blogger satyavati said...

I remember back in Wilmington one time I grabbed one of the smaller neighbourhood kids and told him if he ran through my tomatoes one more time I was gonna cut his toes off and plant them instead.

He never did it again.

1:42 AM  
Blogger Viqi French said...

Gotta be x careful with such shinanigans these days. It's open season now. Saying "Your Momma" used to just get you a beat down. But today, something as harmless as crunching across someone's grass can get you mowed down.

10:45 AM  
Anonymous m said...

I understand judicious placing of live wires can do wonders for your tresspassing situation ....

5:00 AM  

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