small brush shouldn't fuck with big timber

Death's Door, the view from the Spanish announcers table: sweatin the small stuff

Friday, March 10

sweatin the small stuff

From the “hey, is that your pussy stinkin up the room” department……..

comes a story from across the pond in Northern Wales in the United Kingdom where apparently muthafuckers must really be bored for news. It seems that this chick was busted on police video driving whilst putting on her eye makeup and shit. Not only did the Man fine her a shitload of pounds along with court costs, but in proper British fashion they’re doing a jolly good job of putting all kinds of feet up her tight arse, calling her everything from a boorish stupid twit to an irresponsible slag.

In fact a spokesman for the Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents said the chick’s actions beggers belief. Remember this is the same country that if you turn on their Parliament on the TV you can easily catch muthafuckers calling each other all kinds of what-nots and shit as well as throwing down the pimp hand on each other. But I’m glad that someone actually caught one of these silly twats in action. People do the stupidest shit whilst driving and I think I’ve been privy to most of it.
· Watching some bitch paint her stinkin toenails whilst driving down Main Street in rush hour traffic.

· Of course the makeup bullshit.

· Seeing cocksuckers read the paper or books while driving always fucks me up.

· Driving whilst playing with the fuckin Playstation.

· Getting their cock sucked is always a good one.

· Doing the full turn around whilst talking to whoever’s in the fuckin backseat.

· Watching some cat drive in rush hour traffic eating a plate of spaghetti was just odd.

· Or the one that makes me just pull the fuck over and stop, which is passing a car and there’s nobody behind the wheel because the dumbasses decided to bend the fuck over to get something they dropped on the fuckin floorboard of the fuckin car.

· Oh, and you little fey bitches who insist on driving with the fucking little gay dog in your lap? You muthafuckers make me hate you just for that reason.

From the “remember when Bobby got high and couldn’t remember where he stashed the shit and we tied him up and beat his ass with a rubber hose and he still couldn’t remember and fuckin died? Well guess what” department…………….

comes a story of how mechanics at a Ford dealership up in Scranton, Pennsylvania on Saturday morning found more than sixteen pounds of individually wrapped, vacuum-sealed bags of marijuana sitting inside the front bumper of a black 2005 Ford Escape, which was in the shop for headlight repairs. According to my many inside sources, at first the Ford technician thought it was odder then shit finding padding or insulation inside the bumper. He cut one bag open, took a sniff and quickly realized this weren’t no padding.

The cops are now involved and are in the process of back tracking the SUV just to see what kind of muthafuckers owned it. So far the current owner is in the clear since he just brought the car from a local dealership. In fact he’s happy as a muthafucker since the shit was found whilst he was getting the car checked over for a trip to Canada. Yeah, try to explain that shit to a bunch of crazy Canucks. This story reminds me of back in the day when I managed the music store here in midtown where we had just taken in this old bass rig for repair. If memory serves me correct it was one of those old tuck & roll Kustom bass rigs.

Anyway some of the guy’s were busy taking it apart in preparation for replacing the speakers when this package fell into the floor. What fell to the floor turned out to be a brick of weed wrapped in plastic, but here’s the deal. None of us was new at this shit so we weren’t all shocked as a muthafucker would think; in fact some of the guy’s got all drooly lipped just looking at all that dope. But the shit was so fuckin old that it was crumbling to the touch and turning into powder.

Some of it was salvaged and smoked but I was told it tasted like old ass. Judging from the age of the rig the weed could have been hidden there anywhere from the late sixties to the early eighties. We couldn’t help but think that somewhere there’s some old hippie sitting in a coffee shop who’s Cheech & Chong ass is still boring folks about the year he got so high he forget where he stashed the dope whilst coming across the border with his band.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"


Blogger Ole Blue The Heretic said...

Driving to Baltimore on the BWI parkway I noticed this car swerving slightly. I hurried to pass this drunk, but it was not a drunk, it was a woman putting on pantyhose.

9:35 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

PSapphire Raven Said

ainting toenails..Dam I like to see that. Now the playstation... Ohhhh!! Wait I see it. The only way they can drive is to play thier favorite raceing game while driveing down the high way. It's the only thing that give them the know how that they can drive. Let's hope none of them are playing grand theft auto vice city at the time.
Yes I can drive I never crached once in need for speed. But I did crash and burst into flames in Grand theft auto. Yeaaa I can drive

I am glad I don't know how. It even scares the crap out of me when I with someone else driveing down they road. You know I should learn and if I ever drive down the highway I will promice to wear my tight underwear....Better yet womens thong underwear...Yeaaa! Uh!hu! the only way to go in and out of a crash is with style. Let's hope it never happens....Evermore

P.S. What is it with you and titties. Im a thigh and butt man my self. I just don't understand what makes a man go wild when tit's bounce. Well on second thought. Tittes! and butt's! yea your right they are wonderful.

6:47 PM  
Blogger Sid said...

random aside:

I have been listening to the mp3's you emailed on repeat for days. many, many thanks!

7:47 PM  
Anonymous RD said...

Sorry to see getting a good knob polishing while tool'n down the road made the list. Dated a chick once who just couldn't keep her head out of my lap. Nothing close to the scene in 'Parenthood'. Ha!

6:17 AM  
Blogger Bane said...

Yeah, if you can't handle getting blown while driving, you shouldn't be driving. It should be part of the test.

3:45 PM  

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