from the archives....sweatin the small stuff

Last night at the Cane was the ultimate in comedic errors. First off the bums on Monkey Island were in full effect. This one cat was chasing this tall blue haired freak around with a stick trying to beat his ass for whatever reason. The cops showed up and spent a good part of an hour rousting the whole group. The funniest part was this one bum who sat there the whole time in this serious nod.

All of a sudden he came to and only then seemed to realize that he was surrounded by cops. He was so fucked up that it took him a good ten minutes to put on his backpack and once he did he still had it on fuckin backwards. But off he staggered wearing his backpack like a necklace and dragging his blanket behind em.

Then walked in these four hand jobbers wearing matching golf outfits who sat at the bar and ordered shots and beers, and commenced to talking loud and getting drunk. I wrote em off as harmless assholes and concentrated my attentions elsewhere. Then two women walked in wearing silver hot pants pushing some kind of new malt liquor. They were walking around the bar pushing free samples to any boozy dreck that wanted any. They seemed too cool for school so I paid them no never mind.

After a bit the golf dicks left but not before talking to the doormen. I was to find out later that they told the doormen they had to leave because they felt threatened by me? Apparently unbeknownst to me I was allegedly staring at em and calling em pussies and all other kinds of names. The doormen were as shocked as I was. The shit muthafucker’s dream up when they’re drunk. Now here’s when the really fun part started. Some friends of mine came in and we decided to grab a table in the corner.

I grabbed the table by the edges to move it out from the wall to make room for everyone. As I pulled, the entire top of the table came off in my hands, how fuckin embarrassing. There I am in the middle of a crowded bar holding the upper half of table in my hands looking like a fool. All I could do was try to put it back together and act like nothing happened. But then to cap off a retard night I was later standing up to make a point in the conversation when I leaned on the fuckin table.

The loose top came up and I fell off balance into a clump on the floor. As I came too I reached out to grab what I thought was a bar stool to pull myself up. Much to my horror what I thought was a bar stool turned out to be the very firm ass of the women at the next table. Yup, I full on had my hands firmly gripped around this strange women’s ass. She was pretty cool considering that she had this huge black man gripping on to both her ass cheeks.

I stammered out my apologies and sat my ass back down. My friends were looking at me like what the fuck? I ended up sending the women whose ass I grabbed a round of drinks but not before telling her how impressed I was with the firmness of it. Always working it, you know?


"and the monkey flipped the switch"