small brush shouldn't fuck with big timber

Death's Door, the view from the Spanish announcers table: sweatin the small stuff

Thursday, May 18

sweatin the small stuff

From the “birds do it, bees do it. Even educated fleas do it. Let's do it, let's fall in love” department……..

comes a story of scientists in Boston who released a confrontational report that challenges the timeline of human development that dares to suggest that our human ancestors bred with the ancestor’s of chimpanzee long after they had initially separated into two separate species. Yeah, for those of you kind’a slow on shit, what this means is that most muthafuckers accept the idea that man evolved from apes or an ape like creature and afterwards everyone went about their own business.

But what the pocket protector crowd in Boston is saying is that after the two species split, man continued inbreeding with the fuckin monkeys and shit. The cats in Boston working off the results of newly acquired genetic data were able to estimate the time when the first human ancestors split from the chimpanzees. And much to their surprise they hit on a timeline that is at least one million years later then most paleontologists had believed, based on fossils of early, humanlike creatures.

According to my many inside sources, this data leads em to believe that after man and monkey split, man gave shit a rest for a while but after some time missed that hairy ass and went back to fuckin monkeys again for a while. And now this information has muthafuckers in an uproar since it’s widely believed that once the species broke apart there was no more interbreeding. But c’mon, let’s be real about some shit.

If I was some early hairy lice picking ancient man rolling buck assed nekked dragging my knuckles thru the plains of lets say Africa. I’d have to say that life was hard. No clothes, no shelter except for the trees or any hole I could slide into. I’m constantly on the prowl for food and always in danger of being something’s food. And to make shit really fucked up if I do see a woman, the bitch looks just like me all hairy and gnarly and shit. And don’t even get me started on the massive cockblockin going on from the other cats in the tribe.

I mean goddamn, I’m just another knuckle dragger trying to survive and get his swerve on. So yeah, if I can sneak up on some slow monkey and fuck it in the ass or better yet it’s a chick monkey, you can bet the farm I’m gonna tap that simian ass. Call it a matter of needs meeting logistics if you will. Shit, I’m so sure that muthafuckers were swinging thru the trees eating roots and berries and fuckin monkeys like it was going out of style! Short hairy ugly prehistoric woman, short hairy ugly prehistoric monkey, who gave a fuck? Pussy was pussy.

And you can’t tell me that ain’t how it happened. Anyone that’s ever read more then one fantasy fiction story is more then familiar with the concept of the ancients fuckin and breeding with not only apes, but reptiles and other non human shit. So yeah, I don’t find that theory hard to believe. Shit, back in those days if it didn’t bite back man tried his damndest to break his dick off in it.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"


Blogger satyavati said...

I understand your whole philosophy of prehistoric sex thing, but if you follow this story for another year or so you'll see some kind of special on the Discovery channel or in National Geographic that says they made a mistake.

Science loves this kind of media hype. The whole 'hobbit fossil' thing that was going to revolutionize the whole paleontological world turned out to be not a very big deal after all(I always thought it was a lot of BS) that really doesn't change a damn thing.

So while your theory gives a great rationale for behaviour, I think in a few months they'll be reassessing and rewording themselves to come up with something else to fan the flames.

12:23 AM  
Blogger Ole Blue The Heretic said...

We are just animals with cool gadgets.

10:29 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

An adult chimp can rip your effing head off. Now I don't know about you, but I don't want to be on the other end on an unsatisfied female chimp.

1:19 PM  
Blogger Xavier Onassis said...

Hmmm. Humans fucking monkeys. Now I understand where the NASCAR crowd came from.

Always wondered about that. Explains a lot.

8:11 PM  

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