mental note to self; stay in the boat

So Saturday night I headed to the Record Bar to hang out with the burlesque girls of Etta Vendetta’s Eyeful Tower. Earlier during the week I’d gotten a call from Lethal Lily, one of the girls in the troupe. She wanted me to assist her with a new act she had come up with and how could I say no? I mean me and semi nude women, some kind of a perfect match huh? All I can say is that the act involved a gorgeous woman, fire, a bit of magic and me, and I think it came off very well. And can I say that I’m so happy that I didn’t fuck it up. These girls put on a kickass show and it’s worth the watching.

Monday I hooked up with a bunch of people from the old Hurricane and went to the lake for a boat party. We pooled our funds and ended up with three pontoon boats which after finding our spot in the lake we tied together and got our party on. So you all know that mental list we all keep of shit that we either thru trial or error tell ourselves we won’t do anymore?

Well I got something new to add to the muthafucker. We’re in the middle of this big ass lake and there’s music and booze and all kinds of food, plus the woman are all looking fine as hell in their bikinis. I’m feeling good surrounded by friends and I guess the moment got the best of me cause after a bit I found myself standing at the edge of one of the boats looking down at all my friends in the water and in my head I could hear a voice saying, “I want to out there with them”.

And that’s when I fuckin jumped my ass off the boat. I think I was aiming for a floatie but of course I missed that muthafucker and went into the lake. And you wanna know what the worst part was? I….can’t…..fuckin…..SWIM. And just in case you missed that part, I….can’t…..fuckin…..SWIM! What the fuck is wrong with me to think I could jump into a fuckin deep ass lake not knowing how to swim and not fuck myself up? So of course I hit the fuckin water a mach two and under I went.

And you know all that shit you hear about no panicking, well that’s bullshit cause as soon as I went under I told myself not to panic, cause I’ll float back up right? NOT…..cause even though I’m trying to remain calm part of me, and I mean the biggest part of me is freaking the fuck out. But luckily there were people all around who were there to help.

Someone threw me a life jacket and then friends helped me find the anchor line which I used to pull myself back to the boat. But then once at the boat I couldn’t pull myself into the muthafucker cause it was too high. I must’a had fifteen people grabbing me trying to pull me into the boat.

But I was so fuckin happy to be back in the boat that my shorts could have come off and I wouldn’t have given a shit. I can’t believe how close I came to being one of those stupid local news reports that you see every weekend during the summer. Local man drowns in lake and the police are still dragging the lake for his stupid non swimming fat ass.


"and the monkey flipped the switch"