small brush shouldn't fuck with big timber

Death's Door, the view from the Spanish announcers table: sweatin the small stuff

Friday, September 22

sweatin the small stuff

I was reading the paper today and I couldn’t help but notice that Berkeley Premium Nutraceuticals, its owner and president, Steven Warshak, and five other muthafuckers, including Warshak's mother, are currently being brought up on charges that include conspiracy, money laundering, and mail, wire and bank fraud. According to the Man they defrauded thousands of customers and banks of at least $100 million.

Now for those of you muthafuckers who ain’t down with Berkeley Premium Nutraceuticals, you may know them by their famous spokesmen “Smilin Bob. Yup, these are the same muthafuckers who put out “Enzyte” which if you watch all the commercials is supposed to put the lead back in your pencil if you get my drift.

Or if you don’t get my subtle drift Enzyte is supposed to make your cock stiffer, your wood harder, your bat swing better or make your jimmy say james. And according to my many unknown inside sources, the government is accusing the makers of Enzyte more or less of selling snake-oil and bullshitting millions of people.

Now you may be asking yourselves; “but Greg, why are you so interested in this story”? Well I’ll tell you. See I’ve hit that magic age where not only do I qualify for “old age life insurance for only pennies a day” but I get all these free offers in the mail. One of which was a free thirty day sample of Enzyte.

Not that I “cough”, “cough” need the shit but free is free and I’m all about free shit in the mail. So after going online I got my free thirty day sample of Enzyte in the mail. Now I planned on being very careful with this, unlike my last foray into the world of stay-so-hard pharmaceuticals.

Yeah, that happened during a doctor’s visit when he offered me some free samples of Viagra. Later that night there I am sitting buck assed nekked in front of a DVD player stuffed with porn. I popped a couple of Viagra and sat back to see what the results would be. And all I’m going to say about that is what happened didn’t quite fit my expectations.

As a matter of fact, shit just got odd especially the next morning. But that’s another story. I’ll just say that it’s a good thing I live alone. Anyway to make a long story short I ended up flushing the Enzyte down the fuckin toilet.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"


Blogger LL said...

C'mon ovah here and I'll make sure you don't need no steenkin' Enzyte!!

12:33 PM  
Blogger Ole Blue The Heretic said...

Maybe you can be a character witness in the court case!

You know I never trusted that smiling Bob.

5:05 PM  
Blogger satyavati said...

I always thought those commercials were really creepy, especially Bob's wife. That smile she had just made me feel like she was getting it on with Bob's nextdoor neighbour, or more accurately, Bob's nextdoor neigbour's wife.

7:45 PM  
Blogger Tawcan said...

Stumbled onto this site, just thought I'd say hi.

5:45 PM  
Blogger satyavati_dd said...

Found this on a blog, thought of giving you a laugh for at work:

Four men, an Engineer, an Accountant, a Chemist and a Government Worker were bragging about how smart their dogs were.

To show off, the Engineer called to his dog and said, "T-square, do your stuff."

T- square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff."

Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff."

Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good. Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your dog do?"

The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff."

Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, barked at the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker's Compensation and went home on sick leave!

8:17 AM  

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