by request......god?

My grandfather was a Baptist minister his entire adult life and my family has belonged to the same church since before I was born. My mother is a very active member of the church as is my brother at his church in DC. And during my teen years I was being groomed for the priesthood until I began to question the things I was being taught.

I only put this out so you can get a snapshot of the kind of religious background I come from because if you were to ask me at the age of 47 if there is a god or how do I view god, I’d have to hesitate before I answer. I feel if there is a god he’s like the guy at the all night laundry, he only drops in every so often to check on things pretty much leaving us on our own.

And it’s not like I’m an atheist and shit cause I do believe, I just refuse to put a name or title on it. Call it the voice in my head or whatever but we talk all the time. I don’t pray or drop down on bended knee but if I’m walking along and feel my heart tug I’ll stop and say “what”? The voice might answer back, “nothing, just making sure you’re paying attention”. Or if I see a hot chick or something really interesting, I’ll mention it and the voice might answer back.

Anyway my bullshit aside, I feel that believing in god or a god is fine for a lot of people because it gives them hope. It’s like walking around with a lottery ticket in your pocket, giving you a sense of hope and good will and that tomorrow will be a better day.

But if there was a god why does he let bad things happen to good people. I always sadly smile to myself when someone dies or something really bad happens and someone says “its god’s will or it was an act of god”, like that’s supposed to instantly cheer me up.

To me that never makes the situation any better or sooths the way I feel. If there is a loving god why are children dying all over the world every hour? Why do mothers die or do crack? Why did my father have to die? Why is cancer and Aids still around?

If there was a true god would he really let these things happen or is he actually like an absentee landlord? Would a true god let people fight horrible wars in his name killing thousands upon thousands of his worshipers? Now some people say that god put challenges and trials in front of us in order to make us better, but isn’t just simply living life enough?

Maybe it’s the way society views god these days that makes me think the way I do. Or is it Jesus who’s the god, Jesus saves, Jesus wouldn’t drive an SUV, Jesus loves you, Jesus is blond and blue eyed, he’s black or he’s brown skinned. What the fuck would Jesus do? You got the evangelist saying god will heal you or put gas in your tank or save America from the stinkin heathens. If you just send in $19.95 and lay your hands upon the TV, god will make all your dreams come true.

If you believe in god and it makes your day better then I highly encourage you to keep doing so. Men and women need hope because sometimes hope is all folks have. They can hurt you; take your home away and keep you broke. But hope is everlasting and if believing in god gives you hope then god is justified. But believing in a god has never brought me that kind of comfort.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"