small brush shouldn't fuck with big timber

Death's Door, the view from the Spanish announcers table: Sometimes the story’s so good in its original form that it doesn’t need any embellishing

Sunday, November 19

Sometimes the story’s so good in its original form that it doesn’t need any embellishing


So my many inside sources e-mail me with the story of this redneck who buys a new Lincoln Navigator for almost forty-two thousand dollars (with monthly payments of $560.00).

He and a friend hop in the new Navigator and go duck hunting in upper Wisconsin. It's mid-winter; and of course all of the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on the ice with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the new NAVIGATOR.

They decide after getting out on the ice that they want to make a natural looking open water area for the ducks to focus on, you know something for the decoys to float on and shit. Now making a hole in the ice large enough to look good to a passing duck is going to take a little more power than the average drill auger or axe can produce.

So, out of the back of the new Navigator one of the great white hunters comes up with a stick of dynamite with a short forty-second fuse. Now our two Rocket Scientists, afraid they might slip on the ice while trying to run away after lighting the fuse and becoming toast, along with the Navigator, decide on the following course of action.

They light the forty-second fuse; then, with the innate strength of rednecks everywhere, they throw that lit muthafucker as far away as possible.

Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR, the GUNS, and the DOG....???

Let's talk about the dog who happens to be a highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING; meaning that all he’s about is eating, licking his balls and going after shit, especially things thrown by it’s owner.

Well if you’ve been paying attention you can most likely guess what happens next. The dog takes off across the ice so fast that he leaves black behind and grabs the burning stick of dynamite just as it hits the ice and starts running back to where the two men are standing.

Now these two assholes swallow, blink, and start waving their arms like retards and with the veins in their necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler at the dog to stop. But the dog, now apparently thinking that he’s being cheered on by his master keeps coming.

One great white hunter freaks out that the fuckin dog is coming straight toward em with a fuckin lit stick of dynamite in his mouth, grabs his shotgun and fuckin shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab so yeah, that works like shit.

The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, then continues on. Another shot, and this time the dog who’s still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified. Because by now he’s figuring that these two geniuses have gone insane thinking that he’s a stinkin duck and are now trying to kill him.

Now follow the bouncing ball as the dog takes off to find cover, and where would that be? You guessed it, right under the brand new Navigator. The men continue to scream as they run slipping and falling on the ice as they try to get as much real-estate between them and the dog.

As he scampers underneath the new Navigator the red hot exhaust pipe on the truck touches the dog's ass end; he yelps, drops the dynamite under the truck and takes off after his master.

Then " "" "" "" "" " BOOOOOOOOOOOOM "" "" "" "" "" ! ! ! !

The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake, leaving the two idiots standing there with "I can't believe this just fuckin happened to me" looks on their faces.

The insurance company tells the redneck that owns the new Navigator that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy. And to make shit more fucked up he hasn’t even had a chance to make the first of those $560.00 a month payments. And according to my many inside sources, the dog is okay and doing fine.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

10 Comments:

Anonymous LL said...

Fuck, dude, that made me laugh so hard I cried!

7:27 PM  
Blogger Spyder said...

I wish someone would shoot them. Shooting a Lab. Shit that made me cry.

7:37 PM  
Blogger HateTaxes said...

Greg,

You should be writing professionally. Me and the wife read your stuff everyday.

We are very glad the dog is ok.

8:21 PM  
Blogger Mrs. Brain Bomb said...

That's classic. I don't know whether to laugh or feel sorry for them.

9:22 AM  
Blogger Xavier Onassis said...

I'm fucking speechless.

10:28 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

LOL..and some more. Thanks for that. Yancy P.S..Hope you're well friend.

2:22 PM  
Blogger simon said...

Thanks Greg, you just made my day.

You don't reckon I could borrow one of your many inside sources, do you, huh? Huh?

6:44 PM  
Blogger Assrot said...

Yep. Them Wisconsin rednecks are about as fucking stupid as they come. Us southern rednecks are much smarter than that. We'd have put everything in the navigator including the dog and then dropped the dynamite out the window and hauled ass with the navigator. 1st law of being a redneck.

You absolutely must be smarter than what you are fucking with.

'nuf said?

:-)

7:43 PM  
Blogger Xavier Onassis said...

"You absolutely must be smarter than what you are fucking with."

10:12 PM  
Blogger Xavier Onassis said...

I meant to add, that should be The First Commandment.

I bet if God could click on "Edit The Ten Commandments", that would be in there.

10:14 PM  

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