sweatin the small stuff
I went to the funeral of a close relative yesterday that was held in the church that my family has been going too for years. My grandfather preached there back in the day and it’s where I was baptized as a small kid. I’m sitting next to my brother his wife and my sister and at the end of the isle sits my mother.
I’m watching everything that’s going on and keeping an eye on my mother when suddenly it hit me. I leaned over to my brother and his wife and whispered; “stand me up”. My brother and sister looked at me and said what?
I said, when I die I don’t wanna be lying down and shit, stand me the fuck up. Yeah and all the woman have to rock the red dresses but I wanna go out on my feet. Anyway moving on.
From the “Paul Harvey will whip your ass” department………
comes a story of seventy-eight year Jack. Jack’s been a fitness buff all his life and the proof is in the pudding since he starts every morning by doing two-hundred sit-ups in the gym at the senior center he lives at. The other morning Jack walks into the workout room complaining about how cold it was outside and ends up getting ribbed by one of the younger cats who figured an old ex military guy like old Jack could handle a little cold.
Now according to my many inside sources, ole Jack kind’a bristled up at this, mentioning that due to his time in Korea back in 1950 fighting the stinkin Chinese, he developed frostbite in his hands and feet and the cold tends to fuck with em. “Further more when you were still in grade school soiling your momma’s sheets I was at the Yalu River when the fuckin Chinese hoard came across”.
Of course this is when the younger cat said something to the effect that all military people were pussies cause they’re always crying about hard shit was. Jack then called the young cat a pussie for not serving his country and that’s when the young cat told Jack his old ass should’a died in the Army then made the asshole mistake of touching Jack.
Now by all accounts the other cat outweighed Jack by almost fifty pounds and was nearly twenty years his junior. And according to my many inside sources, what happened next was just the plain ugly truth.
Ole Jack put an old fashioned R. Lee Ermey ass beating to that muthafucker. When the cops showed up both men were bleeding but Jack had that smart mouthed muthafucker pinned down on the floor and was still punching the a-hole out’a him.
"and the monkey flipped the switch"