sweatin the small stuff
From the “you sir, are an asshole” department…………
Comes a story of some stupid hipster up in Vermont who on his way to anger management class decided to show em whose boss. I can’t recall where this cat lives but it must be way the fuck out in prick land due to the fact that on his way to anger management he came upon a flock of wild turkeys in the road.
So what does Mr. I’m so mad do? He does what any asshole on his way to anger management class does, he runs over one of the fuckin turkeys with his car. He tried to plead his case but with so many turkeys in the road obscuring his view he failed to notice all the other muthafuckers in cars that watched him ruthlessly run over the gobbler.
According to my many inside sources, during his arraignment he kept coming up with all kinds of bullshit excuses. Like that he's being unfairly singled out for prosecution, noting that hundreds of fuckin deer and other wild animals and shit are killed each year on Vermont highways. "How many citations do they hand out for all the stinkin assed dead deer by the side of the road?"
Of course hitting a deer and other wild shit happens all the time but when people see you speed up and aim for the little critters it goes from being an accident to you’re just a fuckin dick. My many inside sources add that this is the same stupid cocksucker who’s on probation for domestic abuse, violating an abuse prevention order and disorderly conduct and simple assault.
And from the “mommy the smell hurts my face” department………………
Comes the story of a family who literally fell into the shit. According to my many inside sources, this family was on their way home after celebrating Mother’s Day and had just pulled on to the highway. Inside the SUV were mommy, daddy and their two stinkin assed kids, little Susie and Mickey, and their hipster-aged older brother Corey.
It was a nice sunny day so dad had all the windows down plus the sunroof open and it was just a picture of unadulterated idyllic family shit straight out of a modern day Norman Rockwell painting. That is until dad pulled behind a Greyhound bus that decided it was time to empty its septic tanks.
Now betwixt me and you, I used to ride the fuckin Greyhound every year as a kid from Kansas City to west Texas and I’m here to tell you that going to the bathroom in the back of the bus was some nasty shit. And have you seen the muthafuckers that ride the Greyhound these days? Yeah that’s what I’m saying.
Anyway it only took a few seconds before our happy little family found themselves covered from head to toe in piss and shit and whatever the fuck else came out of that muthafucker. Traffic that day on the freeway was really heavy so there was no way that dad could avoid the onslaught of shitious funk coming his way.
According to my many inside sources, the family is seeking unspecified punitive damages from Greyhound and compensation to pay for expenses incurred by the plaintiffs for medical treatment and testing for infectious diseases. Plus the inside of the SUV was so fucked up that the insurance company had to write it off as a total loss due to not being able to get the smell out.
"and the monkey flipped the switch"