sweatin the small stuff

For the past few days I’ve been a living breathing witness to something I just don’t understand. Up the street from my job this fast food joint called Chick-Fil-A just opened up.

The joint opened for business yesterday and the way muthafuckers were lining up, you’d think that baby Jesus was working the counter. It was fuckin amazing to see, there were so many people lined up to either get inside or go thru the drive-thru that there were fuckin armed guards surrounding the building directing traffic.

So I went to Michelle my inside resident expert on suburban culture and shit and asked her what the deal was and even she was clueless. It’s a fuckin chicken sandwich for pete’s sake. Anyway here’s your Friday edition of “sweatin the small stuff”.


From the “when a breath mint just won’t do” department………

Comes a story that even though everybody and their fuckin mother has talked about it, I just had to use it for today. Meaning that since I found this story earlier in the week and the well’s run dry, I have no choice but to use it.

Actually once you break it down it’s a pretty simple story. An American-Airlines flight on its way to Dallas was forced to make an emergency landing due to a fart. And can I say before I continue what a funny word “fart” is? “Fart, FART, fart”, it even looks funny on paper.

Anyway getting serious here, from what my many inside sources are telling me, is that some chick on the plane broke wind and lit a match to cover the odor. Now let’s break these two movements down for a second.

First off farting in the confines of a goddamned airplane is kind’a fucked up to begin with. It’s like farting in an elevator but with more people. Secondly, ole dungeon ass is gonna light a fuckin match to cover the odor?

Lighting a match inside a fuckin airliner these days is akin to the needle slipping off the record, meaning everything comes to a stop and suddenly your stupid ass is the center of attention.

My many inside sources tell me that it’s considered polite to light a match after passing gas to disguise the scent of the stinkin fart. Yeah, and so is taking your mudbutt ass outside and passing gas too.

But doing that on a flight will only get the flight diverted to an emergency landing, the cops and FBI called and every swinging six on the plane searched. After it was all said and done and after hearing the chick’s reason why she lit the match, the FBI rightly came to the conclusion that this bitch wasn’t a terrorist, but just really really gassy and stupid.

Oh and here’s a little known tidbit concerning farting. Back in the day when a lady complained of having the vapors? Bitch had the farts and was just giving some muthafuckers a warning.


"and the monkey flipped the switch"