small brush shouldn't fuck with big timber

Death's Door, the view from the Spanish announcers table: sweatin the small stuff

Friday, December 8

sweatin the small stuff

For the past few days I’ve been a living breathing witness to something I just don’t understand. Up the street from my job this fast food joint called Chick-Fil-A just opened up.

The joint opened for business yesterday and the way muthafuckers were lining up, you’d think that baby Jesus was working the counter. It was fuckin amazing to see, there were so many people lined up to either get inside or go thru the drive-thru that there were fuckin armed guards surrounding the building directing traffic.

So I went to Michelle my inside resident expert on suburban culture and shit and asked her what the deal was and even she was clueless. It’s a fuckin chicken sandwich for pete’s sake. Anyway here’s your Friday edition of “sweatin the small stuff”.

From the “when a breath mint just won’t do” department………

Comes a story that even though everybody and their fuckin mother has talked about it, I just had to use it for today. Meaning that since I found this story earlier in the week and the well’s run dry, I have no choice but to use it.

Actually once you break it down it’s a pretty simple story. An American-Airlines flight on its way to Dallas was forced to make an emergency landing due to a fart. And can I say before I continue what a funny word “fart” is? “Fart, FART, fart”, it even looks funny on paper.

Anyway getting serious here, from what my many inside sources are telling me, is that some chick on the plane broke wind and lit a match to cover the odor. Now let’s break these two movements down for a second.

First off farting in the confines of a goddamned airplane is kind’a fucked up to begin with. It’s like farting in an elevator but with more people. Secondly, ole dungeon ass is gonna light a fuckin match to cover the odor?

Lighting a match inside a fuckin airliner these days is akin to the needle slipping off the record, meaning everything comes to a stop and suddenly your stupid ass is the center of attention.

My many inside sources tell me that it’s considered polite to light a match after passing gas to disguise the scent of the stinkin fart. Yeah, and so is taking your mudbutt ass outside and passing gas too.

But doing that on a flight will only get the flight diverted to an emergency landing, the cops and FBI called and every swinging six on the plane searched. After it was all said and done and after hearing the chick’s reason why she lit the match, the FBI rightly came to the conclusion that this bitch wasn’t a terrorist, but just really really gassy and stupid.

Oh and here’s a little known tidbit concerning farting. Back in the day when a lady complained of having the vapors? Bitch had the farts and was just giving some muthafuckers a warning.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"


Anonymous Brian said...

I live near that chicken place. And I believe someone told me something like the first fifty customers get free sandwiches for a year.

2:53 PM  
Blogger Ole Blue The Heretic said...

There is a Chiki Fillet close to work. Never get in the right hand lane of the road when driving towards that place because cars are waiting to get into the drive through and will be stacked. I have seen twenty cars in the road just waiting on the chik fillet crap. Makes me want to kill a cow myself and eat it like so much raw hamburger.

Regarding the female farter. I can't believe that anyone would think that it is OK to light a match on a plane.

Perhaps she just needs to wear a self contained biohazard suit when flying.

4:59 PM  
Blogger Uncalarry said...

As a resident of the bible-belt I see to places on at least every block. The owner, Truett Cathy is a bible thumping mofo. They even close the sto on Sunday, aint that nice? The problem is, my one inside source has it that the Cathy family contributes to the Right-to-Life muther fukers and goes as far as to feed the teaming masses during their protest outside of the womens clinics and shit. I will not, even indirectly, contribute to that shit. Now Greg, seeing as I only have one inside source and you have many, maybe you can dig up some solid evidence that the Cathy family does indeed contribute to those cocksuckers. It would help in my vain effort sway some of my colleagues from eating there.

5:12 PM  
Blogger PGP said...

Fart jokes are always good for a laugh........ever been in church where some hung over sucker who's been holding back for half an hour loses his sphincter......?

There are few things funnier than a whole bunch of people trying NOT to giggle!

Man just keep me out of the kill zone........

9:32 PM  
Blogger satyavati said...

There was one of these things in Wilmington and it had been there for years and still every day there was a line. So I'm sure people have had this almighty event circled on their calendars for months.

The whole thing with the cows encouraging people to eat chicken is totally creepy.

10:22 PM  
Anonymous LL said...

What I don't understand is why this stupid woman didn't go into the BATHROOM. There is one on the plane.

btw, the pressure changes at take off and landing make people gassy, especially if they are lactose intolerant and drink too many frappuccinos before the flight. I'm just sayin'....

7:20 AM  
Blogger PGP said...

Stress causes bowel problems and gass..ever been in an exam hall???
Aggravation makes me fart....just ask my wife!

3:00 PM  
Anonymous JW said...

Old manners... you thought about your immediate neighbors before you gassed. I thought the practice of lighting a match had gone the way of cigarette smoking, but I saw a school age girl pull that trick last week.
Sulfur is better than ass.

10:25 AM  

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