small brush shouldn't fuck with big timber

Death's Door, the view from the Spanish announcers table: sweatin the small stuff

Friday, December 15

sweatin the small stuff

If you’re a fan of old mythologies or certain religions, you know how common a thing it is for a god to visit the world of mortal man in the form of an animal. Wither it be a white buffalo, great horned owl, a cow, stinkin assed monkey or whatever.

So lets say for arguments sake that baby jesus came back in the form of a small adolescent deer and said deer had magical seven legs.

I know, far fetched but it could happen. And so there we have it, baby jesus in the guise of a small magical seven legged deer walking the earth checking shit out getting ready to save all the stinkin sinners and bring everlasting peace to the world on the eve of his birthday.

Now being that he’s all incognito and shit and wants to be on the low-low, baby jesus/deer is hanging out with a bunch of other deer because what mortal beast is more gentle then a deer? And as far as being on the low-low at least as incognito as a deer can get sporting magical extra legs and shit.

So baby jesus/deer is walking down this woodsey gravel road when suddenly he hears what sounds like Molly Hatchet’s, Flirtin' with Disaster blasting through the trees? And before he can say “the rednecked fuck?” he’s getting smacked the fuck up by some backwoods junior in his pickup.

Next thing baby jesus/deer knows he lying underneath this muthafuckers pickup with all seven magical legs twitching in the wind getting tranny oil all over his ass and shit. Baby jesus/deer just got run the fuck over by some bad driving gomer.

Now even though the body of the magical seven legged deer he inhabited is dead, baby jesus is fine. Really really fuckin pissed but doing fine cause after all he’s the baby jesus, right? But something’s wrong cause he’s still in the body of the fuckin magicial seven legged deer.

Which gets really uncool as he feels himself being pulled from underneath the pickup and getting felt up as backwoods junior starts checking him out. Baby jesus is by now thinking "fuck, I thought that fuckin cross was a bunch of bullshit but this is just wrong".

Yeah wrong as fuck as he feels himself being pulled ass end up on a deer stand and gutted as muthafuckers are standing around taking pictures of his magical seven legs and shit whilst poking em like he was some whore in church.

Anyway by now baby jesus has finally gotten thru to one of the holy cherubs and is getting ready to leave the dead magical seven legged deer and head back up to heaven when he hears old backwoods junior being interviewed by the media.

“Sir, this has to be one of the most unusual finds in the animal kingdom in years, any final thoughts?”

“Yeah I do, that there funny looking deer was mighty tasty”

And as baby jesus rises back up to the kingdom of heaven he’s heard to exclaim, “fuck it, I come back in the body of a stupid seven legged deer, get run over and eaten and now ole Yosemite Sam here is gonna be shitting the best part of me out all over these woods? These muthafuckers are on their own cause I ain’t saving shit”.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sounds plausible. People say "Dear God" or "Dear Jesus" when they pray. He probably thought they said "Deer Jesus" and the rest is history. K Sose

11:42 AM  
Anonymous LL said...

Well, I had this post saved up to address this story, but yours is soooo much better. haha

By the way, I've seen a picture of that deer and it is just freaky.

And on another note, I see all them touchy-feely vegetarians get worked up over genetically-modified foods, enough so that you have to have a GMO (genetically modified organism) statement with corn and soy products, and this dude eats a MUTANT.

I hope he gets the runs.

7:56 PM  
Blogger HateTaxes said...

Greg if you get a chance stop by my blog. I could not figure out how to send the picture to you but I thought you would appreciate it.

8:15 PM  
Blogger Circa Bellum said...

that's just wrong on too many levels to even start talking about. But I laughed...

8:34 AM  
Blogger PGP said...

That's a pretty good spiel there Greg!
Try it out as short stand up number!
I'm chuckling .....

BTW - As a deadpan straightman might ask..."Why would Jesus turn Himself into FOOD?"

6:56 PM  

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