small brush shouldn't fuck with big timber

Death's Door, the view from the Spanish announcers table: cranky I'm not.........

Tuesday, February 27

cranky I'm not.........

Michelle’s been bagging on me as of late telling me that I’m cranky and shit. I told her she’s full of shit and that I’m not, but I’ll tell you what does make me cranky. It’s these non driving fuckbags in town that I have to share the roads with.

It’s bad enough that even though I’m doing the fuckin speed limit these cockjugglers insist on tailgating me and that muthafuckers are always running stop signs and red lights like some ass raped monkey.

But yesterday just about drove me to genocide. I’m driving home from work when this old cumguggler who was coming from the opposite direction decided to jump her fat cellulite dimpled runny pussy puta ass into my lane.

And why you might want to know did this fat wrinkled bag of skin come into my lane? A car in front of her was trying to parallel-park and she didn’t feel like stopping for it.

Oh, and then to really add to my fuckin stress, when ole sausage butt decided to pull into traffic every cocksucker behind her tried to do the same thing. I swear to fuckin god if I had a gun I would’a pulled some Tom Cruise Mission Impossible shit and leaned out of my car and started shooting.

I was banging the horn so hard I think I bent the fuckin steering wheel. And the fat piece of ass spooge had the intestinal fortitude to look at me like I was doing something wrong.

Now as you all know, I’m a really nice person. Sweet, gentle to cats and dogs and polite to a fault to the old people.

But if I could have I would have stepped out of my shit while it was still running and snatched that bitch out of her car so fast it would’ve made the Guinness fuckin book of world records.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"


Blogger Well Hell Michelle said...

Oooh, look who finally alphabetized his links! Now I'll actually be able to find stuff :)

10:41 AM  
Blogger Grumpyunk said...

It's at times like that when I remember why I don't carry a weapon anymore. But hey, if I'm on the jury, you walk.

4:52 PM  
Blogger Xavier Onassis said...

You're preachin' to the choir, man.

There is only one thing I hate more than a tailgater. That's those inconsiderate fucks who refuse to speed up no matter how close I follow 'em.

There are really only two types of drivers on the planet where I live...assholes (that's anybody in front of me going slower than I want to go), and idiots (anybody passing me going faster than I want to go).

I'm such a dick.

6:03 PM  
Anonymous Joshua Xalpharis said...

People wonder why pissed off motorists are throwing ice at the douchebags that are classic examples of why crucifixion never should have went out of style.

Just so you know, I nominated you for a Thinking Blogger Award. Well, I suppose there is no nomination process, as you won because I said you did. Enjoy it.

6:47 PM  
Anonymous Jerry said...

Found you via GrumpyUnk. Great blog!

10:33 PM  
Blogger CapricornCringe said...

I'm terribly sorry I inconvenienced you. I couldn't stop for the parallel parking car because I was late for my bridge game with the ladies. :)

11:14 PM  
Anonymous Serra said...

It's people like that who will eventually bring about the reintroduction of the stocks. If we hung their asses out in public with a sign around their neck telling everyone their crime, shit like this would just suddenly stop.

I know it's not likely, but a girl can dream

2:41 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

the visuals.......the visuals......
-- so sees the sister

1:10 PM  

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