gotta get a nut

• In Georgia, electrical outages more than tripled from 5,273 in 2005 to 16,750 in 2006.

• A power outage in October shut down Merced College, southeast of San Francisco, for half the day.

• In January, power was lost to 4,500 customers in Amarillo, Tex.

• Hundreds of gallons of raw sewage poured into Mobile Bay in Alabama after power to a sewage lift station there was lost.

• There are tens of thousands of such outages every year that you never hear or read about in the news.

What could be causing all this damage you say? Natural disasters, tornados, ice storms or maybe even domestic terrorists? Well according to those in the know, the costly and time consuming damage are due to death by squirrel.

If you got an acorn wrapped in duct tape, hidden under a bucket which is in a cardboard box which has been bricked in behind a wall. If the stinkin squirrel smells it, the furry bastard will do his damndest to get to it.

There's something about acorns that’ll get a squirrel’s dick hard and they’ll do anything to get to where the acorns are. This means if there’s a high voltage power line in the same general direction as the stupid acorns; it just turned into a squirrel superhighway.

And it’s not walking on the power lines that causes all the shit, it’s when the fuckin squirrel transitions from the power line to lets say the pole and part of his body comes in contact with the transformer. That’s when you hear a loud noise, or if you’re lucky a kind of a wet popping noise and the lights either dim or got out.

According to my many unknown sources, squirrels are omnivores, meaning they’ll eat damn near most anything. They’ll eat all kinds of plant food, including nuts, seeds, fruits, green vegetation, and they’ll also eat insects, small birds, smaller mammals like cats or puppies, frogs, and anything dead.

Did you note what I said about puppies and cats and shit? It’s been reported many times that if these muthafuckers are hungry enough, they have no qualms about ganging up on ole Fido or Mr. Muffy and eating their asses.


"and the monkey flipped the switch"