small brush shouldn't fuck with big timber

Death's Door, the view from the Spanish announcers table: sweatin the small stuff

Friday, March 16

sweatin the small stuff


From the "you gotta be fuckin with me" department............

Comes the thought that I'm going to keep it simple today and talk about chickens and maybe cows. You know, something all of us can relate too.

Ooh, do you remember that one night whilst out drinking where I actually talked this couple into believing that chickens had lips. Yes sir, with a face like mine and given enough time I can be one convincing muthafucker.

I had this chick and her boyfriend convinced sure as shit that on the end of a chicken’s beak there sat a teeny tiny pair of puffy red lips, kind’a like Mick Jaggers.

Then of course there’s the one time I was in this restaurant and some silicon blond sitting behind me got to complaining about her order of buffalo wings. Yeah, this bright bitch insisted on giving the waiter a ration of shit saying that she ordered buffalo wings and what she got was chicken. Not the buffalo wings she wanted. Buffalo wings…….

And speaking of chickens and cows, according to my many unknown sources, there’s this village over in India where they noticed that the chickens kept coming up missing. At first everyone blamed neighborhood dogs or muthafuckers stealing the chickens and shit.

Now this one family decided to stand guard over the chicken coop one night to see what was up. With almost fifty chickens coming up missing in less then a month, that makes sense to me.

Anyway this family is standing guard and looking for dogs or whatever to show up for their nightly chicken dinner when the family cow walked into the shed. Now for those of you that don’t know, cows and their ilk are considered sacred animals to the Hindu and pretty much have the run of everything.

So they didn’t think too much of shit when the cow wondered in until this sacred muthafucker snatched up one of the chickens and ate that clucking bastard. Again according to my many unknown sources, it only took the fuckin cow mere seconds to eat the stupid chicken.

Now I don’t know where you muthafuckers get your cows from but around these parts? Our cows don’t eat chicken.

It’s no secret that I love the cow, love eating em and looking at em. But if I was to walk up on a cow and that bovine cocksucker got it into his head to eat another farm animal?

I would turn my fat ass around and not stop moving until I had plenty of wall betwixt me and the fuckin cows. That would be like some night of the living dead kind of shit. Cows eating chickens, what’s the fuckin world coming too? Dammit.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

4 Comments:

Blogger Spyder said...

Check this one out:
http://www.blacksheep-themovie.com

And oh yeah, it's a real movie. Download the trailer! Sheep gone bad!

1:10 PM  
Blogger Ole Blue The Heretic said...

The cow watched way too many Chick -Fillet commercials.

2:07 PM  
Blogger satyavati said...

Actually I think the consensus is that the calf (it's only a baby) was a tiger in its past life.

It really is kind of creepy bizarre.

6:43 PM  
Blogger PGP said...

If you'd been around the farm much you'd know that those precious bovine big eyed animals are STUPID ...... they are dumber than chickens and contrary to vegan belief will eat anything!
Anything that includes dead calves and dead cows, chickens, crap, garbage, tin cans, barbed wire and pretty much anything else they can chew on!

9:51 PM  

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