small brush shouldn't fuck with big timber

Death's Door, the view from the Spanish announcers table: god hates you

Thursday, April 12

god hates you

I was going to save this for Friday but today’s sort’a slow, so from the ever popular “you know when god hates you department” come’s this story.

Imagine you’re sitting in the stands of world famous Shea Stadium watching your beloved Mets on opening day. It’s the seventh inning stretch and all is well in you world as you chat up your nephew who’s sitting next to you.

Suddenly you feel this horrible pain and find yourself unable to breath. Are you having a heart attack or stroke, maybe someone shot you?

Fuck no, some drunk fat three hundred pound bastard fell out of the upper stands and landed on you. This is what happened to fifty-eight year old Ellen on opening game day at Shea Stadium.

I mean really, it’s bad enough when you have to watch out for the occasional fly ball or have to deal with some freak fingering your hotdog as it’s been passed to you. But to have to worry about drunk fatties falling out of the stands is just about as fucked up as shit can get.

Ellen’s young nephew who lives near her in Brooklyn said the first sign that something wasn’t kosher was a splash of beer flying onto her which was then quickly followed by drunken fatty.

“Yeah, we’re sitting and watching the ball game and in a split-second this stinkin huge muthafucker came sort of tumbling down upon us and basically landed on my aunt's head and neck fuckin her shit up."

The women’s nephew said he couldn't make out distinguishing features of the man, who got up quickly and left. He was most concerned at the moment about his aunt, who had begun gesturing that she couldn't breathe.

Ellen, who’s a lawyer (go figure), is scheduled for surgery on a vertebra on Friday. After she was injured, she was attended to by two emergency medical technicians who were in the stands watching the game, and then by Shea's own medics, who stabilized her head and neck area and took her to a local hospital.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"


Blogger PGP said...

No word on whether the flying waldo was detained by security??

11:11 AM  
Blogger M.E. Bamboo said...

More sad proof that God does hate lawyers. They are all like universal black holes, naturally attracting drunk fat guys to fall on top of them. I think it’s obvious that baseball, physics, religion and our legal system all go hand in hand. But when I’m watching the latest meltdown at the K, I don’t need any more worries, man. That’s why I always sit in the left field corner, safely distanced from any potential event horizon in the box seats.

Ellen should broadcast her apology and promise to stay away from Shea … or at least stay in the upper deck in the lawyer section where she belongs.

7:30 AM  
Blogger Ole Blue The Heretic said...

It was raining fat people! Man I know this global warming shit is fucked up but not that fucked up!

12:05 PM  

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