small brush shouldn't fuck with big timber

Death's Door, the view from the Spanish announcers table: praise the lord and pass the corn

Monday, April 23

praise the lord and pass the corn


Once again a wealthy musician has decided to venture forth and give their opinion on shit.

Sheryl Crow is proposing a national limitation on the usage of toilet paper. She wants to limit how many squares can be used at one sitting.

Yes, Sheryl Crow’s answer to global warming is controlling how much toilet paper we use in the fuckin shitter. It's dead-on thinking like this that probably explains why she’s a musician and not a fuckin politician.

She say’s that one square should do, maybe two in a pinch. She also thinks paper napkins are the height of wastefulness and should be replaced with something called a dining sleeve.

This would be worn on the clothing and only replaced when necessary. All this from the same chick that takes two to three tractor trailers, four tour buses and half a dozen cars with her whenever she tours.

Now here’s my energy saving solution.

Sheryl can follow me around and use her dining sleeve to wipe my ass after every shit. Maybe after a few weeks of becoming intimate with my ass, maybe she’ll learn to shut the fuck up and keep her opinions to herself.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

11 Comments:

Anonymous Mark said...

And people wonder why Lance Armstrong bailed.

11:45 AM  
Anonymous Karen said...

This is probably the kind of stuff Crow thought about whilst having chemotherapy coursing through her skanky body. She really should try not to think anymore.

12:08 PM  
Blogger Sapphire said...

Don't worry she's just constipated. It will soon pass....Evermore

Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiit one it's not possiable just think about how many butt whipes parents use on babies. One little piece won't do it.

1:03 PM  
Blogger satyavati said...

Greg, what's up with me tryin to send you email and some weird program of yours keeps sending back to me that it isn't letting you receive it?
It's making me paranoid. Can you fix it and let me know? Or, alternatively, could you just be like my husband and say 'no, I really don't want to hear any more bullshit out of you?'
Either way, let me know whether to resend this email, ok?
TY

3:18 PM  
Blogger The MU Latino said...

That was fucking priceless! People around here, especially the sorority hoe-downs, always make a big deal over Sheryl Crow for some sick reason just because she's an MU alum. However I tend to think that she's really only an alumnus of the cunninglingus.

4:13 PM  
Blogger GalacticallyStupid said...

You nailed it Beck. Better than I did.

4:34 PM  
Blogger Assrot said...

When all you eat is fucking ice cubes, there ain't much to wipe after you leave a shit. If the anorexic bitch at some real food once in awhile she'd see how well 1 or 2 tissues works. I'll bet one of her hands is mildly odiferous. She's probably like them middle easterners. Eats with one hadn and wipes with the other. They don't use toilet paper. What a dumb bitch. No wonder Lance dropped her like a hot potato. She's a smelly skank that can't even properly wipe her own ass.

7:30 PM  
Blogger PGP said...

Thanks Greg!

Seems like another case of celebrity brain farts being rebroadcast for the benefit of others who may have thought they knew how to look after their own shit!

I hope she read you ..... really!

7:50 PM  
Blogger Xavier Onassis said...

Aw Hell.

Wish I'd read this before posting my lame ass shit.

Beat me to it again.

10:52 PM  
Anonymous JW said...

Yo Death, funny as usual. But I think it was a joke. Noboby would tell you can't wipe your ass.
She might want you to use hemp paper though.

11:24 PM  
Blogger H8TORADE said...

There is no way in hell I could wipe my ass with one square inch of shitter paper. I gave birth to something over lunch and it's bad enough that the paper at work is only 1-ply....I should of just shoved my finger in my ass and wiped from the back to the front....

8:53 PM  

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