Sometimes I forget that my sweet old mother is a freak killing machine. This morning I called her early to ask her wither it was raining at her house since it was pouring fuckin buckets at mine.
So after finding out that it was indeed raining across town I asked her what she had planned for the day. Besides going to the store and getting her hair done she had no plans because since it was raining she couldn’t work out in the yard.
That’s when she told me she found a snake under her shed yesterday. She couldn’t tell me what kind of snake which I guess didn’t matter since she killed the fuck out of it. Apparently she was puttering around under her shed out in the backyard when this snake crawled up on her.
Now if that had been me I’m absolutely sure I would have screamed like a slapped three-year old and run into the house. But my aged mother simply grabbed the first couple of things at hand. In her words she sprayed it with lighter fluid and beat it with a shovel until its head fell off. Why didn’t you just pick it up and move it somewhere else I wanted to know.
“Because it was under my shed where it had no business so I killed it and if I see anymore under my shed I’m gonna kill them too”. “I killed snakes when I was a little girl in the country and I’ll kill em now if I find em under my shed”This is the same women where one day one of my friends was meeting me over her house to work on our bikes and he got there just before I did.
I pull up and there he is sitting in the driveway on his bike and my mother’s standing in the doorway with her hand in her pocket watching em. As soon as she realized that he was a friend of mine she took her hand out of her pocket and put the pistol back in the drawer.
So just a warning to all snakes, cats, stray dogs and bikers, please stay the fuck out of my mother’s shed. Ole Rambo ain’t fuckin around.
"and the monkey flipped the switch"