small brush shouldn't fuck with big timber

Death's Door, the view from the Spanish announcers table: a few questions

Monday, June 18

a few questions






As a minion of the Man I’m always wondering? How do they do it?

As a logistics specialist for the Man, whenever I see some evil despot’s lair in a movie I tend to look at the inner workings. Let’s break it down a bit.

First off you have to lease the space, then once the space is leased you need to hire a general contractor to build the space to suit you.

So let’s say for arguments sake that you found that perfect abandoned underground warehouse that say’s home sweet home to you. Do you as an evil despot or nefarious crime lord just hire off the street?

Because as we all know most crooks/handymen are as a general rule, stupider then a muthafucker and only good for killing shit.

Is there an evil Home Depot or evil Geek’s Squad that you hire to set your shit up? Better yet, how do you go about getting your utilities turned on?

I mean it’s a huge pain in the ass just getting some regular cat’s cable or gas transferred to a new address across town, much less some giant underground cavern or mountain top. Do you pay your deposit in cash or check?

And what if you’re late on a payment, because you’re evil do you just kill a muthafucker when he shows up to turn your shit off? If so your deposit must be crazy.

Yeah, I can’t even imagine what it most cost to cool or heat the average evil lair these days. Fuck even if you’re on an even-pay plan for most of your shit it’s no wonder you insist on holding nations ransom. You need the money to keep the gas on.

How do you deal with the EPA for all the waste you’ve accumulated setting up the giant acidic waterfall in your lair? Or the Nuclear Regulatory Committee every time your nuclear reactor fires up when you decide to knock the moon out of its orbit.

Or the neighborhood committee when your stupid mutant soldiers shit on everyone’s yard?

And don’t even mention the ruckus you raised when you decided to stick lasers on cats and you found out that cats are basically untrainable. The city’s still on your ass over that little fuck up.


"and the monkey flipped the switch"

6 Comments:

Blogger Mark said...

Some very good points Greg. I never thought of that. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go cancel my order for 1000 cat-mounted laser beam weapons. What the HELL was I THINKING?!

2:34 PM  
Anonymous smedrock said...

You sir, should keep this information too yourself. Now evil geniuses everywhere will know how to make this loose ends go away... Nice post.

5:19 PM  
Blogger Well Hell Michelle said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

6:58 PM  
Blogger Well Hell Michelle said...

You've been watching "The Specials" again, haven't you? :)

6:59 PM  
Blogger Xavier Onassis said...

"Yeah, I can’t even imagine what it most cost to cool or heat the average evil lair these days."

That's why we keep our lairs underground! Duh! 65 degrees, year round.

"How do you deal with the EPA for all the waste you’ve accumulated setting up the giant acidic waterfall in your lair? Or the Nuclear Regulatory Committee every time your nuclear reactor fires up when you decide to knock the moon out of its orbit."

I have my underground lair in the Hunt Midwest limestone caves. The Hunts have "people" who handle that sort of thing.

Plus, it's right across the street from the casino so I have a convenient way to launder my cash from those nefarious "hold the world hostage" schemes.

It works for me.

If you think it might work for you, let me know. They are running a "Refer An Evil Crime Lord Move In Special" this month. Tell 'em I sent you and if you stay for 90 days, I get a free school of piranhas.

7:06 PM  
Blogger Mark said...

Okay so it's too late to cancel my order for the cat-mounted laser beams. Does anyone know where I can get 1000 Yorkies?

1:27 PM  

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