I wanna be a supermodel
I want to be a heroin spiking super model so I can be thin and have bad teeth and still be fabulous.
I want to go on Matchmaker.com so I can meet the woman of my dreams, someone who’ll want me for who I am. Then once we’re together I’ll take over the counter medicine so my chick doesn’t get the herpes. And when I have sex I‘ll wear the best cologne and have that so serious look on my face like a porn star.
I wanna run like the wind while playing in the tall grass and do flips like a little schoolgirl with my new absorbent pad with wings while wearing the whitest pants that I just washed in my sparkling new Maytag washer.
I want to have gay men tell me what to wear and how to best wax my ass. Then after we’re done I want more gay men to show me how to reorganize my living space. Then we’ll hop into my hybrid Green SUV and go fuck with Sasquatch while eating Jack Links beef jerky.
I want to hang out drinking Silver Bullets with half nekked chicks who dance like they’re on the fuckin space shuttle. And that evening end up at Applebee’s wondering if that’s her natural hair color.
I want a diabetes tester that’ll make me play like BB King with a Viagra hard-on so when Patty Labelle backs that ass up I’ll know what to do with it. I want to live my life like a never ending commercial because every day it’s Friday’s.
"and the monkey flipped the switch"