Headlines that make you go "damn"

The U.S. military has asked South Korea to ban lap dancing and other lewd acts at local nightclubs near its bases, saying they negatively impact military discipline. The officials said the military was taking similar steps at other bases in the United States and overseas against lap dancing. Fuck terrorism, it’s the stinkin assed strippers we have to worry about. What an ingenious ev-il fuckin plan! Use strippers and lap dances to undermine our military!

Archbishop James P. Keleher of the Archdiocese of Kansas City in Kansas testified Tuesday in federal court that a sculpture displayed at Washburn University in Topeka was “very offensive.” The 38-inch-tall bronze, called “Holier Than Thou,” makes “a mockery of the teaching of our faith and of the authority of our church,” Keleher said. Topeka is part of his archdiocese. The sculpture portrays a cleric wearing a miter that some people have said resembles a penis. The muthafucker might have something going here. I’ve seen the sculpture in question and it does look like a big ole dickhead. You ever seen those dildo’s made to look like Monks? Like that, but really big and made out of brass. Somebody got one over on the church.

A police dog has been suspended while investigators try to determine whether the animal has something against black children. Town officials ordered a two-month investigation to determine if Dolpho was singling out blacks while on patrol after the dog escaped from police vehicle and bit a 9-year-old black boy playing nearby. The jigs up! Hah! I kill myself! No pun intended, but don’t all police dogs hate black kids? Fuck, I thought that was common knowledge.