Barney, Mabel and the King

One of the cool things about reading the news as compared to watching it on the TV is coming across the occasional really fucked up story. Like who knew that over in London there is a children’s museum called the "Wookey Hole Caves" full of fuckin teddy bears worth almost a million bucks.

And who knew that the stinkin teddy bears are watched over by armed guards and attack dogs? Now we’re all aware how fuckin fucked up and evil teddy bears are don’t we? With their piercing black soulless eyes and their malformed bodies sporting huge oversized heads and arms and legs with no fingers and toes.

You call em teddy bears; I call em Satan’s little nut sacs. Which is why I’m not surprised when I read that one of the guard dogs went insane the other night. I guess ole Barney the Doberman pinscher guard dog had enough of being stared at by the hundreds of teddy bears night after night and decided to shit the bed.

Yup, ole Barney hopped on the crazy train and chewed his way thru almost every fuckin teddy bear in the building. According to my many inside sources, it looked like somebody took shotguns and chainsaws to the teddy bears. And the blow of mercy came when Barney bit the fuckin head off a $75,000 teddy bear named Mabel which used to be owned by Elvis Presley.How fuckin great is that huh? Elvis has left the building.


"and the monkey flipped the switch"