small brush shouldn't fuck with big timber

Death's Door, the view from the Spanish announcers table: sweatin the small stuff

Friday, August 11

sweatin the small stuff

Just a few observations from my trip to DC

I thought it was so surreal to look out the airplane window at thirty-seven thousand feet only to see other jets passing going in the other direction. That actually occupied most of my time on the outgoing flight. Some passed so close I could make out folks sitting in their seats? Very Twilight Zone if you asked me.

At both airports whilst getting my tickets from the counter, I had to show my ID. So since I had it right there in my satchel I showed my government ID. Both times I was asked if I was carrying weapons and if I was I’d have to declare em. For some reason I thought that was sort’a cool.

Not only do I stand out in a crowd due to my size but also the mental curvature of my brain makes me a beacon of light in a dark forest. Meaning that when I spoke up during training the only person my shit made sense too was myself.

Folks in DC always seem to be in a hurry, self-centered, arrogant, and a wee bit on the stuck up side and for the life of me I couldn’t figure out why. I firmly believe that if I had a heart attack while walking around muthafuckers would just step over me instead of stopping to help.

Sitting in the back of a shuttle bus whilst it navigates DC traffic is akin to riding a rollercoaster.

Is it my imagination or does flying at thirty-seven thousand feet make a woman’s breasts bigger? I couldn’t help but notice that almost every chick that walked off a flight was rocking the bouncy bouncy rack. Shit like that helped eat up five hours of sitting on my thumbs whilst waiting on my flight. Maybe it’s the same thing that makes my balls seem to shrink after flying.

Ronald Regan National airport has to be one of the ugliest airports in the country. I was in that muthafucker for over five hours waiting on my flight. Plus after paying nine bucks for two hot dogs and a small coke, I was impressed even less.

I was amazed at how well I slept during deployment. I would eat dinner around five and afterwards lie down. Both nights I ended up sleeping clear thru to the next morning. I always seem to sleep like a rock whenever I’m deployed.

There was a bunch of us on the super shuttle from Dulles to Regan National including this one jerk who kept blowing up on the driver because he was late to his meeting. I decided to diffuse the situation by mentioning how in all my years of government work how all the top secret government agencies will always have big street signs showing directions to where they are.

The CIA, NSA, Secret Service, Mount Weather, they all have big assed street signs saying shit like “CIA HQ 2 miles ahead to the right”, not very secretive if you were to ask me. Anyway we soon pulled up to this big hotel and I noticed it was the Watergate, where I mentioned that I thought it would be bigger.

This was where the so important asshole got off. As he crawled out of the super shuttle everybody on the bus started giving him shit. If your fuckin shit is so important why the fuck are you on a shittin shuttle to begin with? He wouldn’t even look at us, just hunched his back and scurried into the hotel.

On the flight back my seat companion was this horribly attractive chick who worked for some senator in DC. She was heading back home to the Midwest for a few days to see her family. She was very cool to talk too plus she had to have the whitest teeth I’d ever seen in my fuckin life. I swear her teeth were so fuckin bright that when the chick smiled it had to show up as a blip on the plane’s radar. That had to be very confusing for the pilots and shit.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"


Blogger Sapphire said...

Those clouds scare the crap out me. I have never seen them in real life but when I do I will be crapping my pant's and forgetting who I am for a half hour or so....Shit. Those clouds ROCK!........I have a few pics of those cluds I will be putting on my blog next week .....Evermore

9:37 PM  
Blogger Sapphire said...

flying at thirty-seven thousand feet make's a woman’s breasts bigger. hmmmmmmmm two decade's and I have only found out three things. breast's in space bounce every where. breast's at thirty-seven thousand feet bounce at a delightful sight and breast under water don't bounce they only wiggle....Evermore

9:55 PM  
Blogger Xavier Onassis said...

Those clouds are called mammatus clouds. So named because they resemble mammary glands. That's right...boobies. The same boobies that bounce so nice at 37,000 feet.


I don't think so.

10:37 PM  
Anonymous GrampaPinhead said...

Great piece, think about becoming a travel writer.

11:07 AM  
Blogger The Beltway B@stard said...

Being from the area, I can tell you any rudeness you encounter are not from actual locals. DC is a huge transient area - most folks are not really from here.

grampapinhead is right, you should consider some form of travel writing.

11:40 AM  
Blogger Ole Blue The Heretic said...

DC can be a pain in the ass but like The Beltway Bastard said it is usually not the locals.

I always thought it was funny that I was not supposed to say I worked at NSA but there was a big ass sign with "NSA Exit only" on the Baltimore Washington Pkwy.

7:55 PM  

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