blast from the past

Best quote from the weekend.

“Hi, you here alone? So, how close do you live? You’re sort’a big and buff lookin”

This came from this chick I met in the Hurricane on Saturday night. A friend of mine overheard the whole thing and said; “Greg, you’ve been called a lot of things but buff wouldn’t be one of em”. Word. Well, that’s why we go out when the moon’s full, it just makes things better. But I still went home alone. I get distracted too easily and I lost interest in the chick, plus she was with a bunch of other women and the cockblock potential was huge. What? Don’t know what cockblockin is? Here’s what Webster’s says;

Cock-block-in; The art of stepping between two consenting parties and covertly blocking the sexual advances of one or more of the parties.

Most times cockblockin is a bad thing unless you’re too drunk and fishing in the bad end of the stream. Then you hope your friend’s cockblock before you leave with something you’ll regret. It’s like years ago I was nose-diving in this bar one night and I snuck up on this hot little chick at the bar even though it was far past my down time but of course I thought I was good to go and all that. I asked the chick if I could buy her a beer and she grinned and nodded yes then leered at me. Now normally as a rule when a women leers at you a cat needs to pay attention cause somethins not kosher in the mix, but not me, I kept on grinning and buying, and what looked good got to looking even better. I had a bunch of female friends hanging out and a couple of em pulled me into the corner and offered to go home with me if I would drop the chick and leave now but I told em I was cool and to go away. Just a thought here, how drunk was I to turn two of my female friends down? So I hung there getting me and the chick shitfaced. I didn’t find it at all odd that she didn’t talk much, she just grinned, rubbed up against me and slurred her words a lot. We made it to my house and drunkenly did the deed that has no name then fell asleep. I woke up to find her staring at my phone number that I had given her earlier. “Nobodies ever given me their phone number before” What an odd thing to say I thought. Then I realized she was still slurring her speech real bad. She can’t still be drunk can she? I asked her what she did for a living.

“Nothin, the home takes care of me”

What home?

“You know, the state home for the Mentally Handicapped downtown

OH MY GOD! I’ve fucked a retard! The leer, the slurred speech, the female friends cockblockin, it all made sense. I had visions of the short bus circling the block lookin for her. I just knew that somewhere in Hell a corner was being swept clean with my name on it. And I couldn’t help but think that somewhere I had to be breakin some serious laws. I called her a cab and got her home and for the next couple of years every time I saw her around I covered her like the Mob. I must’a shut down more guys’ from hittin on her. It had to be the guilt I was carrying around inside of me. Plus I was so sure that the Man was just waiting to bust me for what I’d done. Finally one day she walked up to me and said she was moving away to another state to live near her family. She wanted to thank me for being so nice to her and havin her back. Then she reached up and pulled my head down, kissed me on the cheek and whispered in my ear;

“retards need love too”

"and the monkey flipped the switch"