small brush shouldn't fuck with big timber

Death's Door, the view from the Spanish announcers table: <strong>giant nutsac movie blues</strong>

Thursday, February 3

giant nutsac movie blues

I’ve been running an experiment for the past few weeks and I came to the realization this morning that it has failed horribly and I have taken drastic action to reverse it’s effects. Being bald by choice since the early nineties I decided for a while to let my hair grow out and see how shit looked. Well fuck it, I didn’t like the way it looked, I didn’t like the way it felt, I didn’t like the way it made me feel off balance. I looked like an inverted nutsac.

So this morning I shaved all the hair off and I must admit I feel taller and intensely manlier. In fact my cock even looks bigger and my mojo is definitely back. And on another high note I learned how to make my favorite food, pot roast! I never knew it was so fuckin easy and shit. I buy the pot roast and put it into the pot roast bag with the pot roast mix then put it into the oven. Then two hours later it’s like bam, instant pot roast! How fuckin cool is that shit? Now I can have pot roast whenever I want.

This weekend I watched a shitload of movies and here’s a quick and dirty review on what I viewed.

Ø Collateral, starring Tom Cruise and Jamie Fox.
I was really impressed with this film and I was pleasantly surprised that for being so gay Tom Cruise pulled off the stone killer so well. And mucho props to Jamie Fox for dropping his Martin Lawrence school of acting shtick and showing the world that he can be a serious actor. The standout scene to see is when gay Tom and Jamie are in the jazz bar and gay Tom pulls some of the coldest shit I’ve ever seen.

Ø Anchorman, starring Will Ferrell and Christina Applegate.
Rent the movie or better yet instead of paying for it, just shoplift the muthafucker. Then fast forward to the scene featuring the street fight between all the various news crews. Then after you view that one scene go see how far you can frisbee this muthafucker out the front door. I blame this one on Michelle, she made me watch it.

Ø Alien vs. Predator, starring various people I’ve never seen before except for Lance Henriksen.
I found this film to be a nice diversion and it wasn’t the least bit scary.

Ø I, Robot, starring Will Smith.
Being a lifelong fan of Isaac Asimov and having read this book many times as a youth, I was really looking forward to this film. I found it to be ok, and nothing more then that. I’ll bet money though that ole Isaac took his old cock out and peed on his copy. Wait, he’s dead isn’t he?

Ø Sky Captain and the world of tomorrow, starring Jude Law and Gwyneth Paltrow.
This is another movie I really wanted to like, but it ended up smelling like dead ass. I’ve always been a fan of the old black and white science fiction serials so I know what they were trying to pull off but they fucked up big time. Watching this fuckin movie actually made me angry plus it made my head hurt. What fuckin retard made the decision to use sepia tones all throughout the movie to give it a classic look? Whoever did it needs their fuckin eyes poked out with a dirty stick.

I dug Jude Law in the lead and Giovanni Ribsi as his number two, but Gwyneth Paltrow has to be one of the most sexless women I’ve ever seen. I wouldn’t fuck her with two fingers much less my cock. And what the fuck was Angelina Jolie even doing in the fucking movie, much less getting her fuckin picture on the goddamned poster? If the muthafucker had been done in plain old black and white I think I would have actually enjoyed it not withstanding Gwyneth the stank ass whore.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"


Anonymous Anonymous said...


1:52 PM  
Blogger Mister Whiskers said...

I know what you mean about Sky Captain. I really wanted to love that film. It was such a brilliant concept, but as usual the fucked it up the arse like the new boy in prison.

And Gwyneth fucking Paltrow? She married that tedious cuntsicle from Coldplay. A couple of teetotal, vegetarian god-nuts with the combined charisma of Grandad's wrinkly plum-bag. Can you imagine a night out round the Martin household? "More nut-roast, dear?" "No thank you, dear, but I will take a little more mineral water, praise be to the fresh mountain springs! And then we shall go to our seperate beds to sleep, because it is nearly six o'clock and we have to be up early in order to pray and go to Gap."

Five minutes in their company and your fucking tapeworms would be strangling themselves.

4:15 PM  
Blogger Berry said...

Thanks for the reviews. I actually have Collateral in my Net.flix queue so glad to know it won't be a waste of time.

5:40 PM  

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