sweatin the small stuff

From the “great jumping jehosaphat, what the fuck is that?” department ……….

comes a story from across the great pond of an English laddie who only wanted to crash in front of the telly whilst knocking back a few stouts. While sitting on the couch he noticed a slight rustling amongst some papers and books he had stacked around his TV.

He moved in for a closer look fully expecting find a mouse or some such type of smallish furry shit but instead came eyeball to eyeball with this muthafucker that looked like it came from the planet of the fuckin Krakens and shit.

According to my many inside sources, what the cat found looking back at him was something overly ejaculated entomologists call a “Scolopendra gigantea” which is Latin for “goddamn that’s some big fuckin bug”. It happens to be a venomous giant centipede that somehow made its way from South America and is considered at almost ten inches the world's biggest species of centipede.

Yeah, we’re talking about a fuckin insect that’s so bad ass it’s diet consist of lizards, frogs and any bird slow enough to get in it’s way. See that’s why when I’m at home and hear something skittering around in the trash or my bookcase I always know the first thing to do. I get the fuck out of the house. If something like that crawled out from behind my couch you’d be able to find me by the trail of shit I’d leave as I run screaming like a little slapped bitch out the door.




From the “it wasn’t me and that’s my story and I’m sticking by it” department………

comes a story of a simple woman whose only wish was to visit the great city of Chicago and see the sights. She was hanging out at the Ghirardelli Chocolate Company in downtown Chicago when she suddenly got her load on, and had to go take a shit in the store’s restroom. She’s sitting there flipping thru a magazine thinking what most of us think when shitting somewhere other then home. Which if you’re me is usually why is the fuckin toilet paper so goddamned hard to peel off the stinkin roll?

Anyway as she’s sitting there trying to get the toilet paper to unroll, she noticed the lid of the trashcan against the far wall moving. As she watched the lid lifted to expose a pair of man’s eyes peeking from underneath the lid at her? It seemed that the far wall joined the men’s restroom with the women’s and they both shared a common trashcan with a metal lid on each side of the adjoining wall. And the trashcan had been altered so that someone on the men’s side could view inside the women’s restroom.

My many inside sources tell me that as soon at the peeper in the men’s restroom noticed the woman looking at him, he jumped up and ran for the hills. The woman claims that a male employee bumped into her on her way into the bathroom, and after she went inside, her fiancé watched as the same employee went into the men's restroom next to it. It now goes without saying that the woman got herself one of those good Chicago lawyers and is currently suing the fuck out of the chocolate store. And no word yet on why she was taking a shit with the stall door open.





And lastly from the “somebody’s baby’s daddy” department…………….

comes the news that Brittany Spears had a baby boy this week. According to my many inside sources, Britney and Kevin have named their baby Sean Preston and he weighed in at 6 pounds, 11 ounces. Britney arrived to the UCLA hospital on Wednesday morning under heavy police escort with husband Kevin by her side.

And speaking of my many inside sources, here they all come now………….”

how come you guy’s are carrying knives and shit”……”ALL HAIL…THE SON OF SATAN IS BORN”…….”THE MASTER LIVES AMONGST US”………. “ALL HAIL”……..”the fuck, get away from me with those knives….ouch….stop that”…..”ARRRRRGHHHH…..SATAN COMMANDS US TO BRING BABY SEAN A HUMAN SACRIFICE”………………”dammit, you crazy cocksuckers get away from me….shit stop sticking me with those knives….you stupid mindless spawns of evil…away I say……..away…….help…help”….”SATAN IS BORN….SATAN IS BORN…….BABY SEAN DEMANDS FRESH FOOD……..ARRRRRGHHHH”……………………………….

"and the monkey flipped the switch"