small brush shouldn't fuck with big timber

Death's Door, the view from the Spanish announcers table: sweatin the small stuff

Friday, June 2

sweatin the small stuff


From the “hey let’s put on a show, my dad has a barn! And my grandma can sew some curtains! My dad can show us how to tea-bag!” department………..

comes a story straight up out of Alabama that deals with some deeply insidious shit. Apparently a grandpa and grandma tried to hire a hit man to kill their three grandchildren and daughter-in-law to stop them from testifying against their son in his rape trial. Yeah it seems that their son raped two of his own kids and the grandparents decided to put out a hit on the kids to keep em from testifying at trial.

According to my many inside sources, the couple's thirty-one year old son has been in jail since November on twenty-two charges of sexual battery on a child, lewd and lascivious molestation and showing obscene material to a minor. And whilst in jail this monkey-ass eating muthafucker tried to talk another inmate into taking his family out. But luckily this cat had a conscience and after dropping a few dimes got the cops involved who set up a meet and greet with the Grammy and Pawpaw at the local Best Western.

There these old two muthafuckers offered an undercover cop a hundred bucks up front with the promise of more money if he would kill the wife and kids and the family dog too? What a bunch of assholes, “hey Bob, here’s an extra ten spot if you knock off that mangy mutt while you’re at it, we’ve never liked that furry muthafucker anyway. And do the dog in front of the kids; it makes for such a nice touch.”



And from the ever popular “you know when god hates you” department………

comes the story of a woman from Alabama; again, who after over stressing over her family who were at the beach during a thunderstorm, decided to pray for their safe return.
So as the thunderstorm rumbles all around her, she stands in her kitchen and bows her head in prayer for the safety of her family.

According to my many inside sources this is when shit just flat out got fucked up. The chick’s standing there in prayer when suddenly bam! Lightning explodes into the kitchen, blowing through the linoleum and leaving a blackened area on the concrete. The chick found herself on the floor, dazed and disoriented by the blast but otherwise unfucked up.

She gathered herself up and gave out an “Amen” and as soon as she uttered the Amen the kitchen became engulfed in a huge ball of fire which knocked her back into a wall and into the floor again where she was found knocked out but alive by her granddaughter. Firefighter’s think that the lightning actually hit across the street but traveled into the house thru a water line where it exited into the backyard ripping open a small trench in the ground.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

2 Comments:

Blogger Ole Blue The Heretic said...

Sounds like God killed the wrong fucker. Should have been the asshole in jail.

1:43 PM  
Anonymous Kansouri said...

"unfucked up"

one of the funniest phrases ever - I will steal.

4:45 PM  

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