I have many skills

I officiated another wedding this weekend and married off an old friend. The wedding was held outside and I thought it went off very cool. I’ve known the groom for years and his bride is this chick originally from Chile who's just stinkin assed hot.

Yeah, she wore the full deal wedding dress and the groom had the tux happening and if I can say so, I cleaned up real good wearing the white linen suit with the matching black linen shirt, which is good since most of the women there were smoking assed hot as well.

Actually it doesn’t mean a fuckin thing since they all seemed to have husbands or boyfriends with em. Did I mention that the wedding was held just down the block from where I used to own the big assed six bedroom house on the Westside?

Which means that after living on the Westside for ten years I learned that you don’t go eyeballing the hot Hispanic women too hard because it usually means there’s a hot tempered Hispanic male somewhere nearby who ain’t buying into my brand of bullshit.

The ceremony was held at the home of some friends of the bride and groom who also catered the dinner afterwards. Dinner consisted of a traditional Spanish dish called Paella which had shrimp, mussels, scallops, rice I think and other crap all thrown together. And as hard to believe as this may sound I’ve never to my knowledge had mussels or scallops before but as muthafuckers say, “when in Rome”.

So I jumped in feet first and found myself enjoying the Paella very much. And thank god I’m a regular watcher of Food Network cause I had this one mussel that was all closed up and shit and I almost had that muthafucker open when I remembered that if they’re still closed after cooking it means they’ve gone bad. Whew, dodged the muddbutt bullet from hell.

You know what’s fun about doing the occasional wedding besides getting to use my outside voice? It’s that one moment when folks are talking to you afterwards and they’re acting so respectful cause they just watched you do the wedding.

And I find myself relaxing from the stress of getting everything right and I blurt out. “Son of a bitch, lawd I’m glad this cocksucker’s over and I can get out of these muthafuckin shoes”. And people are staring at me going, “what the hell kind of a minister are you?”


"and the monkey flipped the switch"