small brush shouldn't fuck with big timber

Death's Door, the view from the Spanish announcers table: Is there a Santa Claus?

Monday, December 18

Is there a Santa Claus?

I am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.

1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out the fuckin flying reindeer which only Santa seems to have ever seen.

2) There are 2 billion stinkin assed kids (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist bed-wetter’s, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau.

At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second.

This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house.

Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.

This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element.
Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight.

On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer.

This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison--this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth. “The boat, not the old chick”.

5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air
resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as
spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere.

The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake.

The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a
second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve,
he's dead now.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"


Blogger Ole Blue The Heretic said...

Even if he did not die from the speed you know someone in the southern part of The US would have killed those reindeer while in flight causing a crash.

Damn, I have not have some deer meat in a while. Guess I will be hunting christmas eve

10:40 AM  
Blogger PGP said...

Are you going all Grinch on us there Greg??

Here's something to consider about natures real wonders:

11:37 AM  
Blogger Happy In Bag said...

What in the name of Cindy Lu Who is wrong with you? Everyone knows that Santa uses magic.

12:26 PM  
Blogger Nightmare said...

You hit the nail on the head my Ninja!

1:27 PM  
Blogger Xavier Onassis said...

"the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second"

I hate to be a nitpicky bastard (that's a lie...I dig the shit out of it), but I have to make a few points here.

1. The "Ulysses space probe" is in orbit around the sun. So it can't really be the "fastest man-made vehicle on earth", now can it? 'Cause it ain't on the fucking earth. It's a goddamned space probe.

2. The "fastest man-made vehicle". Are there some woodland or aquatic critters somewhere making vehicles that I was not aware of? Pretty sure all "vehicles" are man-made. This seems a bit redundant to me.

3. Again with the "fastest man-made vehicle" thing. Your information is out of date. The New Horizons probe currently on its way to fucking Pluto is now travelling at 36,300 mph, or, 605 miles per second. Fuck a bunch of Ulysses probe! Plus, In February, it will swing by Jupiter and pick up even more speed. We're talking 47,000 mph which is just over 783 miles per second!

Repeat after thousand one.

The New Horizons probe just went from Kansas City, MO to Charleston, West Virginia.

And even at that speed it won't get to Pluto for another 9 years!

I'm just sayin'.

10:04 PM  
Blogger Xavier Onassis said...

But, having said all that, I agree with your basic premise.

Santa is toast.

10:07 PM  
Anonymous LL said...

*fingers in ears* La-la-la-la-la, I'm not listening!!

Happy in bag is right, it's MAGIC!!

5:05 AM  

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