small brush shouldn't fuck with big timber

Death's Door, the view from the Spanish announcers table: <strong>busy day, so I'm gonna let Cousin Erma from a couple of years ago visit for a while</strong>

Tuesday, October 26

busy day, so I'm gonna let Cousin Erma from a couple of years ago visit for a while

COUSIN ERMA PAYS A VISIT


Hi everybody! My name’s Erma and I’m Greg’s third cousin by birth. I live in Matador, Texas, which sits between Amarillo and Lubbock, but I’m up here in the big city visiting with Greg’s mama and stuff. His mama’s my mama’s baby sister and her and my other cousin Stephanie whose Greg’s sister let me come back with them since they were down home for a school reunion anyway. It’s nice up here; down home it’s hot as sin cause we all out in the country and stuff. Matador only got 700 people living there and five hundred of those are Mexicans or black folk like me. They let me stay over here while Greg be at work during the day and stuff. I asked what he do for a living but all he says is that he works for the Man? Who that? Plus what kind of stuff Greg be doing in here anyway? All kinds of pictures of half naked women on the walls, makes me glad we’re cousins and all, he nasty. Though to tell you the truth? Back home that don’t stop nobody anyways. Somebody’s kin always climbing up on somebody like theres was no tomorrow. No wonder half the townsfolk look like everybody else. Plus up here they got the air conditioned air and stuff. Good thing Greg left his computer on. I’ve been learning the computer in my specials skills class up at the school. In another year I’ll have my GED and stuff and I can get a real job typing up at the prison. That’s where my mama works, she be up in the kitchen plus my daddy’s inside doing five to ten for shooting at the Rangers last year. Daddy got a thing about cows and once he takes a liking to one he just has to have it. But the Rangers got too close one night so daddy let loose with his old shotgun. Old bastard lucky he’s not dead, plus I’m glad he’s in jail. Here I am damn near thirty year old and he still insists on washing my back every time I bathed and stuff. On Oprah she be saying that kind of thing ain’t right. But you know what they say back home right? “Can’t stop an old dog from licking his balls”. Well, unless you cut off his dog balls and stuff. But don’t wait and let the dog get too old now. Cause all that do is make the dog mean and stuff. Well I gotta go and visit with some more of my kin while I’m here. Don’t you’ all be letting Greg know I was on his computer and stuff. He don’t need to know no how. Bye


Hi everybody, it’s Erma again.
Greg found out yesterday that I wrote to you all, but he wasn’t too mad and stuff. He’s just making me clean his house and told me that when he gets home from work he’d let me toss his salad. He must be stopping by the store on the way home cause he got nothing in his kitchen for making salad with. Theys must be a lot of mens eating salad lately, I overheard my daddy one time telling mama that he’s always tossing salads in prison. Greg came home late last night; he’d been out with some of his friends up at this movie house called the Empire Room? We got no movie house back home, we needs to ride up to Lubbock if we want to see one, Matador got nothing and stuff. Greg tole me that when they all got there they found this couple having sex in the movie room. Lord! The way ya’ll go on up here in the city. But Greg said everybody went on back anyway and turned on the film and the couple hopped up and ran out. I wanted to go but he tole me to stay my butt at home. So now that he done upped and pissed me off, excuse my French but I’m ah gonna tell you all a few things about ole Greg. Ya’ll know cousin Greg is crazier then a cowboy sissy right? His mama, my aunt Jessie Mae, tole me that when he was just a baby and stuff, he stuck a butter knife in a electric socket and got hisself blown into the next room. He never acted like the other kids after that. Plus his mama also says that he got hisself smacked in the head a lot when he worked as a bouncer and stuff. And he always be necked and stuff. I never seen no grown man like going without clothes like him. Lord, the boy walked out of the bathroom last night and said he wanted to show me something called a windmill, but I was watching Miss Oprah’s movie the Color Purple and wasn’t paying him no mind. So he went on to bed. And he always be doing something called surfing the net. His butt too big to be surfing anything if you was to ask me. But I needs to be at the bus station is a bit, I gotta catch the Greyhound back to Matador. It’s been fun seeing all my kin and visiting.

Hi everybody! Remember me? This heres Greg’s cousin Erma from Matador, TX, except that I’m not in Matador or Kansas City, I’m in Sturgis with all the biker’s.
I called Greg last week and tole him I be coming up this away with some of my Mexican biker friends from Matador. I was up here with them all last year and had such a good time I had to go for it again. And he tole me that if I got near a computer I could log on and drop a line to ya’ll, so here I am! Cause since I talked to ya’ll last year I done gone and got my GED and stuff, now I got skills and a good job makin a whole 8 dollar an hour typing up at the prison in Matador. But don’t ya’ll be worrying and stuff, I’m still the same ole Erma, I don’t let makin all that money go to my head.
Lord above, I loves me some biker’s, they so friendly, heck, tonight a bunch of em tole me they’d take me for a train ride later, how nice is that? And whatever snowballin is I’m gonna get to do some of that too. I thought since I was black and stuff I have trouble fittin in, but theys all tole me that titties is titties. And after talkin to cousin Greg I figured since all the other womens were showin theirs I could show mine. Plus my daddy back home in Matador always be telling me that mine be better then mamas anyhow. I guess he know since he’s always lookin at em, old bastard. Greg asked me to look up something called orange county bikes? Lord, if my ass a wasn’t stuck to the back of me I’d for sure lose it, I meant orange county choppers! I guess Greg watches they show all the time and that they build choppers.
But here in Sturgis all they have is a couple of small stands, cause most of they stuff is at Rapid City which is about 25 mile from where I’m at. Somebody tole me that because the bike rally is so big it stretches out into all the nearby towns. Plus Rapid City is where Mount Rushmore is so a lot of bikers end up there anyways. But here on Main Street they be so much to see, as far as I can look is nothing by bikes, and you sure can tell which bikers got hotel rooms and which camp out. Lord some of them boys stink, I’m sorry, not stink but stank. I sure hope they don’t go on the train ride with me. Well I gots to be going now, some of my friends be hollering at me to come on. But before I go be needing to say hi ya’ll to cousin Stephanie back in Kansas City. I heard tell she had some kind of operation and is all stove up at home. Hi cousin! Get better! Well let me sign off and swing a leg over the back of this here hog, that’s what they call bikes up here you know. Bye now!


"and the monkey flipped the switch"

3 Comments:

Blogger satyavati said...

OMG..toooooo funny

2:31 PM  
Blogger Jessica said...

Oh my...I wanted to read it, really...but I thought of the two days I spent in Odessa, Texas...and promptly went stone blind!

12:35 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm glad to see Erma was back, I missed her! I don't quite get this comment thing here...it's too much like work. So I'm anonymous. Luv ya still, Dawn

6:30 AM  

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