small brush shouldn't fuck with big timber

Death's Door, the view from the Spanish announcers table: <strong>blast from the past-ball knocker</strong>

Wednesday, February 9

blast from the past-ball knocker

the fuck you say? you mean I'm supposed to hate water?
I was sittin on the couch last night flippin channels when I hit upon a special about cats. With me being a lover of the furry little bastards, I decided to settle in and watch. Do you know that at four months old cats are fully developed and all that they lack is age and experience? Who knew? It was a very cool show to watch and I learned a lot about cats I didn’t know before. They’re still psychotic little bitches but now I know more about em. I just think it’s amazing how much of ourselves we put into our relationships with cat’s and dogs. I’ve caught myself many a time walkin past a dog or cat on the street and sayin hi. It just seems the thing to do. Dare I say, even normal? And don’t even get me started on the times I’ve held conversations with my cat. Some time ago I read about a eighty-year-old lady getting busted for growing weed in her livin room. When the judge asked her why, she said her cat liked the smell. I totally dug that, it made all kinds of sense to me.

I know I did crazy shit for my cat when he was around. One summer when I had the bigass house on the Westside it got hotter then a muthafucker one day. I was draggin ass and so was the cat. It pained me to see him so hot and all so I devised a plan to cool him down. In the bathroom I had this real cool shower with these glass doors that enclosed it from the rest of the bathroom. So what I did was start the shower runnin with the cold water on, then grabbed up the cat, shut the shower doors and threw him in over the top. The little four fingered bitch, when he got wet he hit the shower doors so hard they cracked. When I let him out I had fifteen pounds of wet, pissed off bastard kitty racing through the house like his cock & balls were on fire. But between you the wall, and me, I think he dug it. Then there was the day a friend of mine gave me some catnip, or I think it was. Around this time I had a roommate with a dog, the cat never really got used to the dog and was always lookin for a reason to nark him out. No love lost, if you know what I mean.

The chick that gave me the catnip told me it was home grown and that it’ll chill my cat out a bit. I put some inside this special cat ball and tossed it to my cat. He freaked me out. He started purring and humming and shit, and we just sat there in amazement watchin him. Out of a back room comes the dog to see what’s happening. He starts sniffing the cat and the cat’s just rollin around on the floor purrin. Next thing we see is the dog lickin the cats face and balls, and the cats poppin a stiffie. It was the funniest shit I’d ever seen, I thought for a moment the cat was gonna start blowin the damn dog on the spot. After a short while the cat got up and started down the stairs. He ended up fallin /stumbling down two flights. That was the end of that bullshit, but he never went after the dog again. Go figure. I remember when I had to get the fucker fixed. I took him down to the Vet and left him overnight.

Man, did that change shit. When I picked him up he was still out of it, so I fixed him a nice place in the easy chair where he could rest and I could watch him. After a time he woke up, yawned, and started cleaning himself. I swear he washed himself then got this really fucked up look on his face. He looked up at the clock and did the whole thing over again, then rechecked the clock. He gave me a long hard look then turned his back and started checking himself out. When he finally turned back around he was pissed. He just set there staring at me, and wherever I went in the house there he was staring at me. This went on all day into the night. It started freakin me the fuck out. I used to let him sleep with me, but that night I started sleepin with the bedroom doors shut.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"


Blogger Sid said...

muddafuggah, you locked yuor cat in a pouring cold shower?!?!
that is the funniest shit I have ever read.
I am crying, do you hear me? And you slipped him a mickey and let him star in kitty porn with a dog? (I think that might have been some E-laced catnip. Once, this friend had a bunch of friends who hated me and my friends. We ran into those bitches while they were trippin' on E and they were all huggin' us and shit...)
AND you cut his balls off?
Holy shit, I'm surprised he didn't try to off you sooner. That poor cat. ROFL.

Too. fuckin'. funny.

9:50 PM  
Blogger Rusty said...

Good Lord, the adventures with you and that cat would make a funny as hell and fucked up sit-com.

It's always trippy to see how cats react to cat nip. And old roommate and I put some catnip in the bottom of a box and let his cat get in the box. The cat rolled around in it for a minute, and then pissed all over the catnip. Fuzzy bastard must have had a golden shower fetish. That was the last time the cat got any catnip to say the least.

10:18 PM  
Blogger Will said... made my morning with that post!!! LOLOL

That...was some funny shit! A man and his cat.

Much respect to you...

6:50 AM  
Blogger Nightmare said...

LOL holy diver that rocks!

And I don't even like the little fuckers!

8:43 AM  
Blogger me said...

Damn I'm that way with animals, meaning I say hi to them, carry on conversations and shit. Our dogs are part of the family. I used to have a cat that would walk under my dog and bite his balls, lol. I can't really stand cats but the ball biting was funny as hell, and as far as the cold shower, hell yeah, throw the little pussies in there, lol.

My sister got so mad at my mom for calling the cats retarded, because when they go in the litterbox, instead of scratching the litter, they were scratching the sides and top of the box or just in mid-air rather than where they are supposed to scratch. My sister got so upset that she looked it up and informed us that they were NOT retarded, that cats do that if there's more than one using the same litterbox.

I'm sure your cat was out to get you that day you cut off his balls. I would be mad as a muthafucker and I don't even have balls! But the funniest thing has to be the dog back in the party days that we used to get drunk, he was the life of the party!

12:26 PM  
Blogger Berry said...

LOL! Entertainment!

4:14 PM  
Blogger notyouraverage.... said...

i would have loved to see the look on your cats face (from a distance) after he realised you cut off his balls! LOL and trying not to piss my panties!

1:30 PM  

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