she's a clock watcher

Last night after dinner and a movie Michelle and I got into this deep discussion over my habit of getting up so goddamned early in the fuckin morning. She can’t seem to wrap her cute little head around the fact that for years I’ve had this thing about waking up at 0-fuckin dark thirty every morning of the week. So I explained to her that I hate rushing shit and getting up so early gives me a chance to relax and get some shit done before I head out the door to the bus stop. But she was still all fucked up over the fact and considering that work is only a few minutes away I’m up three hours before I have to be at the muthafucker. She went on to say that it’s not like I’m a chick needing time to do her hair and makeup and all that necessary shit.

Then with her voice hitting that high pitched squeal that only bats and NASA can detect, she leaned in toward me and wanted to know what the fuck was up with my bedroom clock. Ok, now she’s getting all personal and shit. I’ll be the first to admit that there’s very little about me that could be called normal and I’m constantly finding out that there’s things I do that no one else seems too. What, you want an example? Ok, when I eat apples I eat them core and all. Yup, I start at the top and work my way down till it’s all gone, and I thought for years that everyone ate apples that way. But noooooo, eat an apple, core and all in view of other people and suddenly muthafuckers wanna know what’s wrong with you and start feeling your goddamned forehead and shit.

That’s just how I do and I can’t explain it, and I’ll give Michelle all the props in the world because as my best friend she deals with my odd ass day in and day out usually without too much to bitch about. But this wasn’t the first time she’s brought up the clock thing and I could tell it was fuckin with her. So I quietly explained to her that the reason I set it so far ahead was to help me feel more rested. See it’s like this, when I wake up between four and five AM my bedroom clock is showing somewhere around the seven AM hour. Give or take a few minutes. So I have a couple of choices, I can get up right there or lay there for a while, but I usually get up. I walk into the dining room and living room and all the clocks in those rooms are showing the correct time.

I sit down and flip on the news and start checking my mail and shit like that. Then before I head to the shower I go and lay back down for a while and by then my bedroom clock is showing seven-thirty or so. But here’s the secret that Michelle can’t seem to understand. When I lay back down after waking up like that, in my mind it’s like I’m taking a break cause the hours so late. Which in reality I am! See? My mind shuts down thinking, “hey, Greg’s taking a break so lets catch a quick fifteen winks”. Then when I look at the clock later and it’s showing nine AM, which in reality it’s only six-fifteen! But I feel more rested. Get it? It’s like hitting the snooze alarm and thinking that you’re cheating time and getting more sleep. It makes all the sense to me and I know I can’t be the only person that does it like that. Can I?

"and the monkey flipped the switch"