small brush shouldn't fuck with big timber

Death's Door, the view from the Spanish announcers table: <strong>she's a clock watcher</strong>

Thursday, February 24

she's a clock watcher

Last night after dinner and a movie Michelle and I got into this deep discussion over my habit of getting up so goddamned early in the fuckin morning. She can’t seem to wrap her cute little head around the fact that for years I’ve had this thing about waking up at 0-fuckin dark thirty every morning of the week. So I explained to her that I hate rushing shit and getting up so early gives me a chance to relax and get some shit done before I head out the door to the bus stop. But she was still all fucked up over the fact and considering that work is only a few minutes away I’m up three hours before I have to be at the muthafucker. She went on to say that it’s not like I’m a chick needing time to do her hair and makeup and all that necessary shit.

Then with her voice hitting that high pitched squeal that only bats and NASA can detect, she leaned in toward me and wanted to know what the fuck was up with my bedroom clock. Ok, now she’s getting all personal and shit. I’ll be the first to admit that there’s very little about me that could be called normal and I’m constantly finding out that there’s things I do that no one else seems too. What, you want an example? Ok, when I eat apples I eat them core and all. Yup, I start at the top and work my way down till it’s all gone, and I thought for years that everyone ate apples that way. But noooooo, eat an apple, core and all in view of other people and suddenly muthafuckers wanna know what’s wrong with you and start feeling your goddamned forehead and shit.

That’s just how I do and I can’t explain it, and I’ll give Michelle all the props in the world because as my best friend she deals with my odd ass day in and day out usually without too much to bitch about. But this wasn’t the first time she’s brought up the clock thing and I could tell it was fuckin with her. So I quietly explained to her that the reason I set it so far ahead was to help me feel more rested. See it’s like this, when I wake up between four and five AM my bedroom clock is showing somewhere around the seven AM hour. Give or take a few minutes. So I have a couple of choices, I can get up right there or lay there for a while, but I usually get up. I walk into the dining room and living room and all the clocks in those rooms are showing the correct time.

I sit down and flip on the news and start checking my mail and shit like that. Then before I head to the shower I go and lay back down for a while and by then my bedroom clock is showing seven-thirty or so. But here’s the secret that Michelle can’t seem to understand. When I lay back down after waking up like that, in my mind it’s like I’m taking a break cause the hours so late. Which in reality I am! See? My mind shuts down thinking, “hey, Greg’s taking a break so lets catch a quick fifteen winks”. Then when I look at the clock later and it’s showing nine AM, which in reality it’s only six-fifteen! But I feel more rested. Get it? It’s like hitting the snooze alarm and thinking that you’re cheating time and getting more sleep. It makes all the sense to me and I know I can’t be the only person that does it like that. Can I?

"and the monkey flipped the switch"


Blogger Berry said...

Man, Greg....that was what I've been missing-just put the clock 3 hrs ahead. You are lucky to have a friend like Michelle. That's all for now.

2:22 PM  
Blogger Nightmare said...

I'm the same way. I used to lay in bed waiting for my girl to wake up and I finally just gave up after a month or so and I just hit the couch and watch movies. But I do go to work at 7am and get off at 4. which is nice when I want to play golf.

3:36 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Once again, I have to agree with Michelle's inability to understand. The only logic I can see here is that you're living on Rio de Janeiro time, and you're always getting to work late according to your clock. That's what makes you feel good.

It's a good thing your office is actually in KC, or you'd get fired, you slacker freak. K Sose

3:58 PM  
Blogger Mister Whiskers said...

That is one fucking good idea. I'm right with you on this one, Greg, I'm gonna try it myself.

8:02 PM  
Blogger Monkey said...

I get up about an hour and a half earlier than I leave the house whereas my wife gives herself about 20 minutes - I need time to sit, drink coffee, stretch, check email, listen to some songs, drink some more coffee, play online, etc etc!

I'm with ya!

9:44 PM  
Blogger Sivad said...

what?? that is kind of new. you eat apples core and all? that's some funny shyt. i'd like to see that.
and the whole explanation of the clock thing went way over my head when you started talking about what happens when you come back in the room. ah well, guess we're not all made to understand.

11:50 PM  
Blogger AmyVegas said...

I get it. I totally get it. I used do something sort of like that - I used to set the clocks in my bedroom over an hour fast so that when I woke up, I'd think I was running late and I'd get up right away. I'd set them so far ahead that I'd actually wind up giving myself extra time in the morning. It worked for a long time, but then one day I woke up and my mind and body had finally caught up to one another - the clock trick just didn't work anymore. Thankfully, I just started getting up on time. :)

12:13 PM  
Anonymous surfie said...

The thing here, though, is that one must believe in the clock god.

That shit just does not work for moi. If I set my clock foward even five minutes, I calculate in the "real time" in my head. That then that defeats the whole fucking purpose.

Procrastination is my most effective tool; however, I will say that I am always, always on time for work, appointments, etc.

Love your visitor/reader here.

2:38 PM  
Blogger deborah said...

Greg, Greg, Greg!
You know I was waiting for something really strange... and then you said you ate the WHOLE apple and I was like ... thaaats cool. cause I do too. I aqlso eat pears and nashi pears - core and all" I think its cause of the sourness.

Anyway, then you mention the clock things... and by golly I have my alarm clock set ahead of time too. However not as hardcore as you with the 3 hours. Mine is only half an hour. It is a psychological thing... time!

Anyway, great post. I don't feel so silly anymore now that I know there are apple core eaters amongst us.

7:20 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hehe, 3 hours that is good.

I usually go for 10-20 minutes.
But I get use to my clock being 10-20 minutes early so then I have to change it so it is on time for a week or so, then I change it back to 10-20 minutes early. That way I keep myself off balance and never know what time it is so I'll get up and get ready for work. Otherwise, I would hit the Snooze fifteen times and be late.

And eating appples core and all, I have a friend who does that. He also can't eat hot dogs because they give him intense mind-altering headaches.

And another friend, we once went out to dinner, he ordered shrimp and he ate the whole thing, tail and all. I just thought, "Wow he must love shrimp."
Turns out he didn't know you weren't suppossed to eat the crunchy tails. Mmmmmm.


1:55 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home