sweatin the small stuff

I'll make you talk

Last night Michelle came over after class and popped into the VCR this tape produced by PBS called “Portrait of a serial killer”. It was a short documentary showing various serial killers and how they were tracked by law enforcement using the profiling method. She wanted to watch it for this psych class she’s taking in school. As they listed all the shit that serial killers have in common I was so relieved that none of the shit matched me. But at the same time I was relieved that none of the shit matched her either, even though because it’s her I’d have to help her bury the bodies. Moving on……


you'll get such a cussin as soon as I get my teeth in

Howard Dean and Richard Perle who was Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld’s top policy adviser were having a debate yesterday when things got ugly. Perle had just started talking shit on ole Howard when this cat ran up and took off his fuckin shoe and threw it at Perle whilst screaming that he was a liar and shit. My many inside sources told me that the look on Dean and Perle’s faces was priceless. It was like who the fuck throws their goddamned shoe at muthafucker’s and shit anymore? But really, do you realize how mad a muthafucker has to be to just up and throw a shoe at somebody? That’s like grandma mad and shit. “Why you young whippersnapper, lip off to me will ya? Don’t think I won’t take this orthopedic muthafucker off my foot and give you what for with it”! Has a nice old school ring to it doesn’t it?


Johnny Law up in New Jersey decided to check out this tractor-trailer rig that’s been sitting on the side of the freeway for the past couple of days with it’s motor running. As they were looking over the rig, the driver who was across the road taking a piss just happened to walk up. After a few questions the cops told the cat to pop the cab open where they were surprised to find five million dollars in small bills stashed up in the sleeper. The driver who went by the name of Salvadore, of course said that he’s never seen the money before and didn’t know how it got the fuck up in his truck. But the cops weren’t buying his shit and busted his stupid ass on money laundering charges due to the fact that the money was found to come from illegal narcotics activity.

Now all this brings up the age-old question; why are crooks so goddamned muthafuckin dumb? Every time some cat gets busted for carrying illegal drugs (as if there were any other kind) across state lines, it’s always because initially they got pulled over for driving all fucked up and shit. You’d think that if you were driving down the interstate with a trunk full of dope or otherwise you’d start the day fresh and chipper from a good night’s sleep. Maybe spend a little time at a truck stop knockin back some eggs and coffee. Then once you’re on the road,

obey the fucking speed limit and shit like a muthafucker should that’s carrying ILLIGAL SHIT IN THE TRUNK!

Sweet hanging blue jesus, how hard can it be to drive in a stright line doing the speed limit! Hey Salvadore, did you forget everything you learned in Mob school? “Oh yeah, I’ll just park this giant tractor-trailer rig with five million bucks in it on the side of the road for a few day, nobody gonna notice it”. What a drooly dumbfuck muthafucker.


And in other stupid crook news, this cat broke into a car to steal the radio. But somewhere during the bold caper the crook fell the fuck asleep still clutching the screwdriver he was using to pry the radio out with. The owner of the car spotted Mr. Narcolepsy laid out across the seat drooling and called the cops who took the dumb non-staying-awake muthafucker into custody. Damn, wasn’t I just sayin some shit about getting a good night’s sleep before breaking the law?


these are deer, not hawks
And just in from one of my many inside sources, local New Yorkers are all fucked up with the dumbass over the highly public sexual antics of a pair of red-tailed hawks affectionately named Pale Male and Lola. It seems that the two amorous lovebirds have just been fucking the bejesus out of each other near this fancy Fifth Avenue apartment building. It seems that earlier due to the fact that the hawks were shitting all over the building and leaving half eaten pigeons lying around, the rich residents of the apartment building which included Mary Tyler Moore wanted the two lovebirds evicted.

But New Yorkers being who they are pitched such a bitch that not only were the birds restored to their old haunts, but a new nest was erected made of stainless steel for old hammering Pale Male and his bitch Lola. And now that they’re back on familiar ground, the two horny hawks just can’t seem to stop with the insane shagging. And like most freaks l know they insist on being seen whilst doing it.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"