small brush shouldn't fuck with big timber

Death's Door, the view from the Spanish announcers table: I'm watching the band Heart in concert and it made me think of this post from the archives

Sunday, May 14

I'm watching the band Heart in concert and it made me think of this post from the archives

There are times when the door to fame and fortune opens wide and all you have to do is walk through it. You know that by doing one single act of greatness you’ll be immortalized forever. Years ago I had one of these moments. In the mid eighties I managed a rock & roll music store here in town, and we were a factory dealer for Ovation Guitars. For those of you ignorant of musical equipment, Ovation manufactured acoustic guitars and the occasional odd bass.

They were known as a very durable acoustic to take out on the road. The body was comprised of a formed plastic shell with a wood composite top and maple neck. That was the easy description; Ovations were actually very hip and high-tech acoustic musical instruments. You know what my favorite way was to demo an Ovation? I’d take the muthafucker by the neck and smack it into a wall, like I said a very durable acoustic guitar.

Anyway, Sandstone Theater here in town was just getting started and the rock group Heart was gonna play there. I can’t remember if Sandstone had been open for a while or if this was the first show, no matter. Heart was sponsored by Ovation and we thought it might be cool to have Ann and Nancy Wilson sign a guitar then give the damn thing away. So we did the big in store who-do and picked out a winner.

That night after the show our little group were clutching our backstage passes and waiting to meet the band. You know whenever some cat does the big hype about having backstage passes believe me, it’s gonna suck hind tit. Number one, backstage passes usually never get you backstage. What you get, is shoved into a room with a table full of warm beers and rancid lunchmeat and a bunch of other marks who think they’re gonna get to hang with the band. While you’re getting food poisoning and looking for a place to crap, the band is in another part of the arena far from you getting high and feeling up the groupies.

When the road manager finally gets em in line, they’ll stumble in and shake a few hands and mumble how much they appreciate you coming to see em, then split. Fuck a backstage pass, but back to the story. Some guy with no neck came in and said they were gonna do the signing out by the band buses. So we followed him outside and there they were, Ann and Nancy Wilson. Back then Ann was getting her munch on but was still kind’a good looking, but it was Nancy that had all my attention. This woman looked fuckin amazing; she was small and delicate like a porcelain doll.

Not to get all porn on you and all that, but she had the creamiest, smoothest skin I’d ever seen on a women. She more or less had just come off stage and she had a fine sheen of sweat on her skin. I knew then what needed to happen, I had to touch Nancy Wilson of Heart. Here’s the scene, our group was facing the Heart sisters who were standing with Mr. No Neck and some other knuckle dragger.

Ann was the first one to sign the guitar; whilst everyone was focused on her I started sliding my way toward Nancy. I was trying my best to be stealthy but I came off sounding like bulls fucking in the brush. This must’a not been the first time someone’s tried this cause when No Neck spotted me he didn’t even break a sweat. He just reached out this ham of a hand and grabbed me by the back of my neck and squeezed.

Now I’m a big guy, but when he had my neck between his fingers I gladly stopped all forward motion. She was so close, balls and guts overcame brain and pain and I reached out to touch her. Mr. No Neck still didn’t move, he just said “no” and moved his fingers closer together. By that time I was thinking; hey, maybe I need to rethink the error of my ways, and I went and sat on the grass. Too bad, I think she could’ a loved me in time.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"


Blogger Nightmare said...

The fucking necklesss are always fucking up a brothers dream! I feel for you man, I really do. Well except that I banged Nacy Wilson.

Well ok maybe it was Nancy Walker. No I think it was Nancy Zinger....I can't remember I was high.

7:49 AM  
Blogger LL said...



I bet you can still ALMOST feel her sweat on your fingertips that you ALMOST got by ALMOST touching her.

hehehehe, yeah, I gotta fuck with ya.

7:46 PM  
Blogger Bane said...

When I first heard Barracuda on my pick-up truck radio, I had to pull the fuck over and stop, or I'da wrecked or something. When the DJ said it was Heart, I BLASTED to the Tower Record store, and rushed to the H section. When I pulled the album up, I nearly stroked out. I was banging this married chick who looked EXACTLY like the brunette who got fat. I am a lucky man.

5:08 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home