small brush shouldn't fuck with big timber

Death's Door, the view from the Spanish announcers table: sweatin the small stuff

Friday, August 18

sweatin the small stuff





Yesterday I was outside my office building having a smoke when I felt this vibrating sensation on my chest. At first I thought it was my cellphone that I sometimes carry in my shirt pocket until I remembered my phone was in my pants pocket.

I looked down at my chest and blinking back up at me from its perch on my ID holder was the biggest fuckin cicada I’d ever seen. I was so fuckin startled that I ended up running and smacking into the wall behind me. The worst part was that all of this was witnessed by a group of women who started giving me a bunch of shit. “Damn, my little four-year old girl doesn’t bitch scream like that”.

I’m not ashamed to say that bugs freak me out and big bugs really freak me out and this was a big fuckin bug. And goddammit I know the muthafuckers are harmless but when I got a fuckin bug so fuckin big that its vibrating my fuckin chest, I feel I have the fuckin right to freak out.

I thought June was the end of the cicada season but here it is well into August and they’re still around. It’s bad enough that I have the wayward bird or two bouncing off my office window, but now I got these little cicada scud missiles ricocheting off my windows too.

According to my many inside sources, cicadas help the environment by improving and enriching the soil. They also provide food for other animals and if you remove em from their skin they taste like cold, canned asparagus. Which is cool by me since I can’t remember the last time I ate asparagus and sure in the fuck ain’t planning to dine out on cicadas?


"and the monkey flipped the switch"

8 Comments:

Blogger satyavati said...

I don't like big bugs. Spiders I don't mind. But we have these things that look like enormous flying cockroaches... I don't know if they're the same as palmetto bugs, but they've got to be big enough to show up on radar. This I can't deal with. You remember years ago there was a commercial for Combat roach traps and the roach had gotten into the lady's ice cube tray? That gave me the squicks something terrible. I'm not a baby, but roaches..no, they got to go. (And no, I don't kill them.. but I do escort them outdoors as swiftly as possible.)

10:20 AM  
Blogger Ole Blue The Heretic said...

Everybody is afraid or nervous about something.

Unless they are rodeo clowns, a clown makes me nervous for some reason. I can swim with sharks but a damn clown makes me uneasy for some reason.

My sister was about to put clown pictures in her two year olds room. Made her take them down. I do not clown around when it comes to clowns.

12:38 PM  
Anonymous GramaPinhead said...

How did you get an office with a window? Did I miss one of your excellent stories?

4:20 PM  
Blogger Sapphire said...

Sorry big guy!..I pissed my pant's on this one. I can't see you freaking out over a bug. But after putting my brain into action and puting my imagination into it.I would say it would be kind of like the little fit I had this week while cleaning my place as I do every week. Picture me haveing a fit throwing wet rags and spinning them around the around like bruce lee playing with numbchucks. I was takeing care of my baby's new kitten's this week since she had to work overtime. So I desided to let the furry little creatures stay at my place for a while to give them company. Furry little Creatures.! Not! demons more like it. I love cats but kittens on the other hand are like dust devils in colorado. Ok let me give you a better view. hHve you ever seen a cat just jump up for no firkky dikky reason a sprint across the floor like his tail is on fire. That is what kittens are. I spent over 5 hours cleaning my place. If not for the kitten hair it would tak em two hours. I see your point and piss my pants laughing and shut my mouth....Evermore
P.S. Why do women find it funny to see men having hissy fist's...It's beyond me...Evermore

LOL! LOL! still pissing my pant's thanks for makeing me laugh. Just remember I am laughing at the situation not at you... take care big guy.....Evermore

8:45 PM  
Blogger Xavier Onassis said...

My Ex and I used to have an agreement.

If Communist paratroopers ever landed in our yard and threatened our American Way Of Life, their Godless, baby-eatin-Satanist asses were mine! I'd take 'em down.

But spiders, wasps, bees and other creepy shit were her responsibility.

8:48 PM  
Blogger btyfrd said...

Okay, so this made me laugh my ass off.

When I first moved to the south from Michigan, I rented this shithole apartment. I woke up to the largest bug ever on my shoulder, tickling my neck. I screamed a blood curdling scream and beat the shit out of this bug with my boot with such ferocity that the guy from the upstairs kicked in my door, thinking I was being attacked.

The deadhead, Phish freak from upstairs and I spent the afternoon fixing the door jamb.

I eventually came to know this bug as a cockroach...this whitey dyke from Michigan had never seen such a thing. I eventually came to hate Phish, as that is all the guy from upstairs would listen to...24/7...the same album over and over...paper thin walls.

Oh, memories.

Great blog, by the way...

Beam and Coke? It's nice to have a fellow bourbon drinker to read...I've added you as a favorite.

2:22 AM  
Blogger LL said...

I can feel your fear cuz I'm that way about snakes and mice.

8:53 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

ohhhh and their legs are sooo sticky...

as a kid i used to pluck their exoskeletons off the trees and throw them at other girls to listen to them scream. but the live ones? yeah, they freak me the hell out too. especially when they're stuck in my hair.

kel

8:35 AM  

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