small brush shouldn't fuck with big timber

Death's Door, the view from the Spanish announcers table: Jacksonville

Tuesday, June 29


My many inside sources tell me that Jacksonville Florida is busting ass to find a new slogan in time for the city's hosting of the Super Bowl in February. I guess they’re still trying to break the old image of this stank-ass town that muthafucker’s drove thru on the way to Orlando or Miami. Back in the day Jacksonville was host to a bevy of paper mills, and if you’ve ever been down wind from a paper mill then you know the meaning of smelling shit so bad that you’ve feared for your sanity. Actually the first time I smelled a paper mill was in Texarkana, Arkansas some years back. This was back when I had a short gig as a “fashion photographer” and had just walked out of this mall in the late afternoon to go back to the hotel. We walked out into hundred-degree heat and suddenly I fell to my knees screaming
“what the holy fuck in that smell”?
The smell from the paper mills on opposite ends of the town had literally taken me off my feet. Scared the shit out’a me it did. Some old guy walked past me muttering something about what a pussie, and another cat told us that if we stuck around long enough we’d get used to it. Anyway, Jacksonville has decided to pay a firm $91,000 to come up with a catchy slogan because everything so far has been suckin bug cock. For example:

Ø Florida's North Star
Ø Sun City of the South
Ø Cockroach Capital of the South
Ø Mayberry, Only Bigger
Ø Jacksonville, It's Not that Bad
Ø Hang out for a while, you gotta get gas anyway

"and the monkey flipped the switch"


Blogger satyavati said...

do I ever know about paper mills..about 25 miles west of here Federal Paper has one in Reigelwood NC.. when the wind is right we get it. It's so bad that even at the hospital, you can sometimes smell it INSIDE.. and that's still a good 20 miles from the mill. How gross is that? If you ask the people of Reigelwood how they stand it, they'll tell you it just "smells like money" to them.

11:22 AM  

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