cryin game

men suck

You know what freaks me out; it’s the sight or sound of a crying woman. I’m always at a loss at what to do. And don’t give me that shit about compassion and holding cause that ain’t always the right way to go. I’ll tell you, and this has been a hard lesson learned. Trying to sooth a crying woman is akin to playing with a loaded gun or attempting to pet a starving grizzly with a bad tooth especially when they’re hitting that hysterical level. It’s like one minute you got some chick crying her eyes out in front of you. And when you go to console em or give put your arm around em suddenly it’s the bitch from the Exorcist trying her damndest to chew your arm off. The chick’s voice drops fifteen octaves and she screams,

“don’t fuckin touch me, all men are Satan”!

Wow! Where’d the fuck that come from? Or it’s the other end of the spectrum where she’s so hysterical that her voice is hitting that tone that only bats can hear and she speaking in tongues and shit. Which is what I got in a phone call this weekend from a friend of mine whose boyfriend left her in a lurch. I pick up the phone and I can hear is

“eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!”

I make the mistake of telling her to calm down cause I couldn’t understand her and shit just quadruples to the point where the fuckin phone starts sparking and shit. To tell you the truth I’m mainly worried cause I know the chick’s driving and all I want to do is get her pulled over cause I’m scared with all that crying and shit she’s gonna hit something. But the best I can do is stay on the phone with her loud ass until she pulls into her driveway. After a couple of hours she calls me back and she’s all calm and shit until I ask what exactly happened. That’s when she goes into Exorcist mode and starts channeling the goddess of fucked over women. The voice is very calm then it gets all guttural and shit sounding like Moms Mabley and for a minute I swear she’s describing how to gut a fish until I realize she’s talking about what she wants to do to him.

All I know is that I never want to be the ignorant muthafucker that gets a woman in that mood. I'd hate to be the cat on the other end of the phone when Michelle decides to start using her outside voice. She broke it off with this guy she was dating for a while and I was impressed in the calm manner in which she did it. But I’m afraid the Exorcist moment is coming because the cat’s in this kind of serious denial. And he keeps calling her ass every day wanting to know if she wants to hook up and it’s making her very hard to live with. The bad thing about that one is that when she hits her mark and goes off I won’t get a simple phone call. She’ll just use her key and walk in my house and go off. I’ll have to make sure not to make eye contact. Either that or keep a bucket of cold water on hand to throw on her.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"