I'm in a bitchy mood

I could just die for a grande catshit frappuccino please!

You know what’s wrong with America this land that I love? It’s the fuckin onslaught of Starbuck coffee shops I tell you. The thought first came into existence a couple of years ago when I was going through the airport in DC. All I wanted was one of those cold coffee things right? It’s like a frozen coffee smoothie and I’ve only had one before in my life but for some fucked up reason I really wanted one now. So I found the only coffee shop at the airport and it turned out to be a fuckin Starbucks. I didn’t really want to buy from them cause they were part of the MAN’s unholy empire and I’m not down with that. But they were the only show in town and I really wanted one of those frozen coffee thingies so I had to make do.

I walked up to the chick behind the counter and told her in very clear concise terms what I wanted, a large frozen coffee thingie. The chick looked me over and said, “you must mean a Grande sized frappuccino”. I said if that’s one of those frozen coffee things, yeah, and make it a large. “We don’t carry large, we carry a Grande size”. Well, if that’s what you call a large then that’s what I want. “Sorry sir, it’s called a Grande”. What the fuck ever you pretentious little bitch, just let me have one please. It struck me then that something wasn’t right and again as the thought hit me last night. Starbucks coffee shops are attributing to the pussiefying pf the American people.

Coffee shops full of pretentious muthafucker’s ordering Frappuccino, mocha’s, espresso, decaf espresso, which is fucked up in it’s self is killing America. Back in the day all you had were tough muthafucker’s and hard working people, including a few ho’s going into the local greasy spoon and asking for a cup of joe. Plain old-fashioned black coffee was the taste of the day. The blacker the better, no mocha no latté’s, just plain black coffee. Fuckin coffee so black and bitter that your fuckin stomach is kickin your spine’s ass just to get out of the way. And if your chick or your mom was with you then you got em a little cream or sugar to kill the bite.

Let’s bring America back to the basics; cause you know when the revolution comes there won’t be time for fancy coffee. Because when you’re running from the jackboots and screaming “up the people, down the MAN” its gonna be black manly coffee that keeps you pumped and running. Back to the basics before we start emulating the stinkin Chinese who apparently will drink anything to get a caffeine buzz.

And yeah muthafucker's, I know I get my coffee at the Broadway Coffee Shop, but I’ve earned that right and it’s not fuckin Starbucks, so bring it on bitches

But moving on, even the threat of disease hasn’t quite stopped the Chinese drinking a certain type of coffee. SARS fears may have stopped the Chinese from eating civet cats. But that hasn't turned off others from sipping the strangest of brews — one they insist is made from coffee beans eaten, partly digested and then crapped out by the weasel-like animals. The story goes like this: Civet cats live in the foliage of coffee plantations across Southeast Asia. These fussy foragers eat only the best and ripest coffee berries. Enzymes in their digestive system break down the flesh of the fruit before the animals shit the beans out. Workers collect the shitted out beans from the plantation floor, wash away the shit and roast them to produce a unique drink that devotees might say is good to the last dropping.

We’re talkin about animals eating coffee beans, then shitting out the partially digested beans. Workers pick up the beans that came out’a the animals asses, wash off all the crap they can, then roast the crapped out beans to make coffee. And then people drink this shit, (no pun intended). You know, there’s a lot of shit I’ll try, but I don’t think that’s one of em. That’s like having ole Ray-Jay eat a shit load of corn, then after takin a big crap into a bucket, wash off all the corn that came out’a his ass. Then after roasting, sell it as a rare delicacy. I’m just sayin and shit.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"