small brush shouldn't fuck with big timber

Death's Door, the view from the Spanish announcers table: <strong>probably the dullest post you'll ever read from me</strong>

Monday, April 4

probably the dullest post you'll ever read from me


thin line betwixt dull and just stupid

With the exception of Friday, this weekend more or less blew. Friday night I met up with Michelle and Rusty along with several other people and we all went to a strip club to celebrate Michelle’s birthday. She had informed me some while back that she wanted to hit a strip club for her birthday but going wasn’t really something I wanted to do. But after thinking shit over and her being my best friend and all that, I caved and decided to go along with it. It’s not that I have anything against nekked chicks and shit, it’s just that I’ve been there and done that.

I was going to strip clubs before I was twenty-one, I’ve gotten laid in strip clubs; I’ve dated strippers and lived with stripper’s most of my adult life. And I guess I feared maybe falling off the stripper bandwagon or some such shit, but to be truthful? It wasn’t all that. We went to a place called Diamond Joes, which actually used to be a rock club called the Chouteau Inn back in the day. I guess everyone in the group but me had been there before at one time or another, because everybody talked about how much nicer it was. The girls were very attractive and some even knew how to properly use the pole, but I actually found it to be very boring. All I was interested in was Michelle having a good time, which she seemed to have.

I was sitting with Rob, one of her old roommates, and we wanted to buy her a birthday dance but after talking shit over with the waitress, found the price to be a tad too steep. Michelle tried to turn the tables on me and had everybody chip in to buy me a dance but the chick they picked never left her table of high rollers to come over. That was fine by me, hell, I much rather they spend their money on themselves anyway. I left soon after that and took my ass on home and after writing for a while and watching TV, hit the sack. Saturday was just fucked and lost. After going to bed around four in the morning I was back up at seven. I laid down around eleven and more or less slept until sometime that night when I woke up just long enough to grab a bite to eat and back to bed I went.

Sunday morning found me sitting at the Broadway Coffee Shop knocking back a couple of cups of coffee watching all the chicks roll in and out. I don’t know wither the women that hang out in there are that good looking or just that interesting. It’s all more or less the same to me if the truth be known. After leaving there I went and fucked with my bike for a while which is another story into it’s self. Then after picking up some shit to cook for dinner I came on home. I saw this chick on the Food Network make some fried fish patties a few days before so that’s what I did up for dinner. But instead of rolling em into patties, after mixing everything up, I laid everything onto my cutting board and made a big pie. Then after sectioning it, I cooked it up. Kind of like a fish pie. Tasted very good if I must say.

And all fucking weekend there was this fuckin, crazy sounding, in heat cat making all this insane noise. From one morning until the next it howled and screamed and moaned and just drove me up the wall. I even went outside looking for it but of course whenever I opened my door the muthafucker decided to shut the fuck up. So for all of you with female cats I’m gonna drop some knowledge that I learned from living so many years with strippers. If you have a female cat in heat and she’s making enough goddamned noise to flake rock here’s what you do instead of what you really want to do. Which is to stab that bitch until she stops.

Take a battery-powered dildo. Nothing fancy, just reach into the drawer and grab your girls or your mom’s everyday vibrator. Turn that muthafucker (no pun intended) on low, and lay it on the floor or bed. Now take yon noisy horny cat and place them gently on top of the vibratory device. You might have to hold em there for a couple of minutes, but I can guarantee that after a few minutes the little whore will settle on top of the vibrator like a pro and start purring like she’s just been voted kitty queen of the fuckin world and all that insane noise will stop. I learned this from living with strippers.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

6 Comments:

Blogger Monkey said...

Not dull at all!

"just reach into the drawer and grab your girls or your mom’s everyday vibrator. Turn that muthafucker (no pun intended) "

ROFLMAO!!!!!! :-)

3:54 PM  
Blogger me said...

ROTFLMAO Greg. I think that is just as hillarious as it is sick and fucked up, lololol. (The vibrator part) and I would be more than a little pissed if a cat was getting more action than I was, lol.

The strip clubs, yeah I've been to em too, but it didn't really do anything for me since I'm a girl and all, lol. I went to watch the guy's enjoyment that I was with at the time. Kinda funny actually!

5:23 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Now there is something I can add to the list when I'm telling people about "my friend Greg, he knows how to masterbates cats to keep 'em quiet."

Your a man of many talents.

--tulipana

2:07 PM  
Blogger Death said...

Steve, you make something so innocent sound so dirty

2:15 PM  
Blogger Ms. Blaize said...

Oh yuk! I don't like cats so I'd probably kick her first but then again, I know what it's like to feeeeeeel like I'm in heat. So if I felt sorry for one, she can have the back up vibrator.... (shrug)and I do mean have it like forever and ever! Just can't be responsible for battery replacement. But that's the best that I can do!
Great stuff Greg! Bizarre but strangely stimulating! ;-)

~ Ms. Blaize

4:20 PM  
Blogger AmyVegas said...

DAMN this information (re: cats in heat) would have been a lot more useful to me about 10 years ago, when I was a broke-ass mutherfucker living in a shit hole apartment with a PSYCHOTIC cat in heat, who I almost killed one night while we were all trippin' on acid. Thank god my b/f at the time stepped in. "Amy. Honey. Back away from the cat. Killing her with your bare hands is not the answer. Just let her outside. Let her go. C'mon, you can do it. That's right. Baaaack up. Slowly. There ya go."

10:06 AM  

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